Merry-go-round

I'm riding on it but I shouldn't be. It is making me dizzy and sick to my stomach. I can't yell and scream. I cry instead. It sucks. It really sucks. I can put on a brave face but that only last so long and I melt. I have a real aversion to being in public. I carry tissue in my purse. Make-up I generally think, why bother. I need a haircut but can't get myself there. I do manage to apply a dusting of lipstick and to wash and dry my hair. Although on Saturday it took me all day to realize I forgot to brush my teeth. That isn't me! I'm a fanatic about teeth and fresh breath.

I eat but not much. I do drink water. I can't tell you how much weight I've lost but I'm guessing about 20lbs. Today my normal people to shove food at me changed but another person stepped up. She kept bugging me until I went and got some food. Granted I sat at Sonic picturing all the times Scott and I got food together, laughing, joking and talking. I sat there for a bit and realized everyone around me was getting there food and not me. I got lunch for free.

I was super busy at work today. That helps it makes the day pass by but the day does have to end. Tonight Hannah had the end of the year band concert. She moves up next year. She is growing up and the world keeps spinning. I have great people around me. I was in public, crying again! At least it is dark and I can dab my eyes as each band played at least one piece that was all Scott. I got through it. I was there for Hannah.

I dropped her off early and had an hour to kill. We don't live that far from school but I'm in the mode that if I come home I have to force myself to leave once I'm in for the night. I ran to Wal-mart. ALONE! It was horrible. I got things but I don't think I got everything I was going to get. I wandered around looking at people, at the same time trying not to look at people. The check-outs were packed. The one I ended up in had a cute little old man in a store scooter with his cane. He did it all himself. I could hear Scott asking me if he should offer to help. I made it barely through the experience. I got to school and a friend commented on how I didn't look to good. Thankfully they had me sit with them so I wasn't alone.

One of Scott's doctors was there. His child is a year younger then Hannah. Scott had talked to him about seeing each other frequently at all these band events. It is hard to see him. I have thousands of questions that as a medical professional I know he can't answer. If he had the answers he would have cured Scott. I don't ask I just nod and move on. Someday I hope I don't personify tragedy! I don't know how to make it. People keep telling me I will. I try to believe I will but I really do want the merry-go-round to let me off or at least let me scream without scaring the rest of the world. I'm want to skip forward or backward but it won't help so I face it the best I can. Please keep holding me in your heart. Please reach for me and give me a hug. It helps it makes my heart hurt less. The hole won't ever be gone but it does hurt a little less for a bit.