Depression hits home

Today was a rip in my heart overwhelming depression kind of day. I reached out to my friends and family - they came through with overwhelming support. I can't explain what hit me but it did. I cried all morning and then got a phone call, some well placed text messages and Facebook support that walked me through to a smile. Scott always would tell me how much my smile was for him. I would feel down and still be smiling. He was the same way. He was the outgoing one but we both have the same reaching for people to give them hope.

The music on the radio is like a message from him. It happens everywhere and not just with me controlling the station. It happens but one song which I know is on the playlist right now is Rascal Flatts - Unstoppable. Listen to the words! I have the album on my iPhone. We had listened to it multiple times while he was alive before they played it a bunch. Right now I feel like it belongs to us. Then today I was almost home just pulled into the driveway when the Trisha Yearwood song, The Song Remembers When came on the radio. Music is a gift from God, a powerful healer.

Last night I had to deal with a task I'd asked Scott to do over Easter weekend. Clean out the A/C filter. The task is an easy on to do but something we both always put off. Well last night the coils were frozen. So I put it on fan only and let them thaw out. Then it dawned on me that we never did clean out the filter. So here I am with Hannah at 10:30 pm unscrewing the panel on the unit in the A/C closet in the garage. We have one of those spray out filters so we took it outside and cleaned out all the dirt and cat hair. It certainly is working better. Last year when this happened we had an argument over exactly how to do this task. I was telling him the steps and he had to call his Dad to have him tell him the exact same thing. I stood there putting the thing back together and all this came flooding back.

I was chuckling to myself as I did this task. Then today it was painful to think that why did his own list of things to get done have to be so over-powering for him that day? Why did he have to trim the stupid palm trees? He was obsessed with the stupid things! It was something I enjoyed taking care of with him and asked him to wait for me but he kept trimming. I should say they aren't finished. I don't want to touch them right now. I need to finish the pruning it's on the new to do list but I can't get there. Today I'm still sitting.

Yesterday in my book Healing After Loss: Daily Meditation For Working Through Grief talks about grieving the loss of a loved one is like leaving a room where we have been where we have been comfortable and functioning well and enter a new room. In that new room are some of the same people but the room is different and requires a new way of thought to find a different way out. It may be a window or a different door but the old door is closed. I'm looking for that light to keep shining my way. Scott is there with God and my other family and friends gone before him guiding me with their love. I will find the path just not today.