Memorial Day

I had to work today. I think that was a good place to be. Memorial Day has always been special for me. When I was a kid my great Aunt (more a grandma) would load me up in the car with the artificial flowers and drive all around southwest Missouri remembering our loved ones. We had a lot of ground to cover. Memorial Day to her having been through a war as a person on the home front was about not just our soldiers but the family members who made sacrifices at home to help in our freedom too. She would tell me our entire family history standing in the cemetery and we would remember all our loved ones. I was always to be the one to continue the tradition but I grew up and moved away.

I know I'm not the only one to suffer a loss. This isn't my first loss but it touches a different place in my heart. I'm trying to find a place to be less sad. It is my job to continue living even when I don't want too. I can honestly say I have times when I want to be with him completely again but it isn't my time. I have a purpose to fulfill. I don't know what it is but trying to find my way to positive and help others will keep me "living" forward.

Have you ever watched "Bewitched" or "Heroes?" They always have episodes where they freeze time and then rearrange things. The people who they do this to always look bewildered and confused trying to figure out how this happened. I feel that way. Who rearranged my life? When you are with someone almost every hour of the day it really makes the pain intense. I keep asking "what am I supposed to do with life?" I don't really know how to make it. I'm just making it up as I go along. Just like with the birth of a baby, there is no rule book. I don't know if I'm doing it right or wrong. I go through all the emotions of grief, sometimes in seconds. I'm a mess and I pray to continue to receive the light of God's love and that of all those who have touched my life and moved on in their journey. One moment at time will give me a place to find quiet and someday comfort.