Heartache and love

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.
--From a headstone in Ireland


Once again. I've been reading. I find comfort in others words. This quote came from an article on grief and loneliness. It is very true. It also reminds me Scott needs a headstone. That decision can wait. It is okay that I can't concentrate. It is okay that I just sit today. It is okay that I cry. My emotions are trying to heal. Last night was a nice break. Today I'm mentally fuzzy and feel alone. Hannah is here and we watched a movie for a nice break. I've seen the movie before but I didn't recall much of it! That is not me. I only have a few movies that I like to watch multiple times. I don't seem to have problem with that right now.

I laughed when I pulled up his Netflix list on our account the other day. I have to say I had turned his rentals off while he was going to school because he would be watching a movie instead of doing his homework. He didn't mind because I always kept a movie on my list for both of us to watch together. His Netflix list has 190 movies/shows on it! I don't know how he planned to ever watch all those. I feel like I have plenty of time to watch movies but I can't watch some our favorites yet. Cuddling on the floor for movie time picnics with his is gone but the memories aren't. Our life together was made up of wonderful togetherness. We were never truly far apart.

Dealing with the loneliness is hard. I can't rely on Hannah at all times. I have to learn to trust myself and trust my intuitions! Know that I'm finding the right way through the middle of the fire. I have experienced the gift of love that goes beyond words. I have to take that love and continue on in my life. I don't know what the future holds. I'm not ready to know what the future holds. I am taking this journey and making my way. I'm reaching for support and love from my friends and family. It doesn't have to be lonely but I am the only one who can make it to the other side. He loves me and having people continue to share how much he loves me helps me deal with the pain of grief and the hole in my heart.