Strength

"Anyone can give up, its the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." -unknown

A friend that Scott and I worked with at another local nursing home a few years ago posted this quote on her Facebook page a bit before Scott died. I typed it out and posted it at my desk and in the therapy gym for our patients. I also handed it out to my coworkers. Little did I know I would need it to get through my daily work tasks. I have it posted next to our family Christmas picture. I'm so thankful that I'm the picture taker. He would tease me that I was always taking photos. My answer was life is to short not to preserve all the moments that make up our lives.

I have hundred of photos and mementos that I need to put together into a scrapbook. I have a room designed just for that. Shelves that he helped me put together and so much junk that I should be able to achieve many volumes. I'm working my way toward that goal. It is amazing that I never had the time before because we were to busy making memories! Did you know that is the theme song for a former ride at Walt Disney World? I had loaded his Ipod that I bought for his birthday last year with all the music that was on my computer. The Walt Disney World soundtrack was one of those albums. He was always playing that music in his truck. Music made him so happy.

I found the list of songs he was putting on his Ipod for our honeymoon on the desk in Laynie's room after he died. He'd been hiding out in there and I couldn't quite figure out what he was doing. Now I know he was listening to songs for our romantic one of a kind week. I keep wondering how he was going to achieve this because he could not ever figure out how to get the music on his Ipod without my help! Silly things like that that I'm smiling about now but at the time was frustrated with because technology is my friend. But it's okay because he loved me even when I was frustrated.

He was enjoying sharing his new found love of Disney World with others. He was proud of the fact he'd been three times in the last year. He would come home after talking to someone about Disney World and share that he helped someone and he hoped their trip was going to be magical. All three trips we had were so amazing. The trip with the girls and his "the ring was burning a hole in his pocket proposal," the trip to meet my world of friends and finally our trip as a couple. The CD of our photos came Friday in the mail before he died. He got to see them! He actually brought the disk to me at work. I finished what I had to do for my job and then we snuck out early for a late lunch. Those are the moments in life I'm struggling to understand that they are not going to be repeated.

Our relationship by far not perfect but he made me laugh when I was mad, happy when I was crying and just sat and held me because it made him feel good! Those memories keep me going. I get teary but that's okay. It is working me through the pain. The daily meditation from my book for yesterday was "I will not try to hide or walk around it. I will walk through the center of my sorrow and I will emerge - proud and strong" So in this path I will honor my love for Scott and his love for me exactly as he wants me to be!