Sunday

I dislike Sunday now. It is just a darn day of the week but it is a time marker that I don't like to remember. Sunday's keep happening and I keep seeing his face telling me "It's OK! I love you!" I'm not sure how to keep that from replaying in my mind. I don't have many memories of the week we found him or the week after his funeral. I was on autopilot. Little things pop into my mind. Little film clips. The thing I remember most is standing in front of him, seeing his body and then laying my head on his casket at the cemetery and praying.

I come home and find things that meant things for he and I. Tonight I was standing in my office and found a piece of paper he'd written the time of our New Year's dinner reservation on it. I don't look for things much. Sometimes they just appear. Memories I have to treasure. I don't want to end up a pack rat hoarder. I've got to get myself to a place where I can put the stuff into scrapbooks to keep on the shelf so it's not just scattered everywhere. It is hard to think though to reduce some one's life down to things. I leave it all laying around for now.

Last night I watched "The Blind Side" with my parents. I had a hard time with that movie. He watched it the week before at his sister's house. Then before he came home he stopped and bought it so we could watch it together. That didn't happen. I sat there hearing his voice in my head telling me football facts. I can't believe I'm saying this because sometimes I told him to stop talking football but I miss him talking football. It is funny though because he liked other things. We enjoyed doing other things together but the football sticks out right now.

So back to the Sunday thing. The guys at work were joking about a time machine. They were talking about going to the future. I want to go back. I want to return to do the things we should have done. I know don't tell me that technology doesn't exist and it wouldn't change the outcome. One of the final movies we did watch together was "Time Traveler's Wife." I sat here and cried my eyes out. He would expect nothing less from me at a tearjerker movie. He didn't laugh he hugged me and held my hand. I know I have to go through the pain but if someone does really learn how to time travel I just want one more night in his arms.