Overwehlming

This morning I woke up in full panic attack mode. I got myself out of bed and into the shower. I got ready for work. I couldn't keep it back. I couldn't keep the anxiety down. I tried. I tried to breathe. I tried to step forward and it wasn't happening. I finally took the step to reach out. I texted a friend. She immediately called me and walked me back to a place that was livable. She told me I needed to get from my heart, where I've been for the last six weeks into my head to reason where I haven't been able to go. I got there until I could go to my see my counselor. In the meantime a text from my a friend for the last 20+ years from college helped me along too.

Last night at grief support group I was loaned a book, "Living With Grief After Sudden Loss." It has a bunch of stuff that doesn't apply that doesn't fit the situation but it does talk about how hard it is when someone is taken from you so quickly. The unfinished business. The things you didn't get to say or wrap up. I know that feeling. My head throbs from those feelings. The thing I'm thankful for in all of this was finding him. We got to give him a final resting place. We got to see him. It doesn't mean I understand or do I think I ever will. This pain will be here for a very long time but I can do without the anxiety attacks.

When I got home from counseling I laid down. Grief is tiring. It requires rest to cry so much. I hate that feeling! I don't sleep without meds for very long. I woke up with another panic attack. I tried to get myself out of it again. I had a meltdown. I need things to run without much thought. I don't have the energy to think. When things are off balance in the slightest way, I'm off balance. Communication with me right now is the key. I'm trying to get through home alone while Hannah is out at a school event.

Laundry is calling my name. I'm trying to do normal chores and the panic continues. I finally decided to take the med for anxiety. That is what it is there for and I haven't needed it. This is the first time since the two weeks after he passed on that I've needed to take it. It is working. I'm calmer. The doctor teased me when she wrote the prescription that it was a very small dose that she would give a little old lady. I also reached out to another friend. I'm waiting for her to wrap up with her kids and give me a call. I'm reaching out. I'm trying. I know I can't get through this alone. My soul hurts and craves his attention. I can never replace that or will I try. I love him and he loves me. I feel that throughout our house.

So in a pause I received a call from another friend. A person Scott shared work with through Head Start. It was wonderful to feel him sending me messages from her. To know how much love he gave to others and how he shared his love of our daughters and with me. He loved us all. I know he has powers now to continue that love. God needed him as an angel. I can't count the people's lives he touched but to hear those stories makes his life important. There will never be a Scott museum but as long as he is in our hearts the power of his love survives.

Oh and just so you know Zanax is nice to have to take the edge off because now it is storming. Not just a little storm either. So here go the prayers for protection!