Happy Birthday

Today is Laynie's Birthday. I was invited to attend. I'm thankful for that. I couldn't attend because I can't still can't stop crying. I wasn't going to be a downer for a day that belongs to her. We love her. I want to see her grow up. I pray we see her grow up but I know Scott surrounds her with his love just like me. I give her my birthday love and someday if she asks I will share with her all the things we did together as a family. Those memories will shape who we all are and I have thousands of pictures of the things we did together.

I'm sitting here with my parents because I don't know how to be alone. I've been alone before. When I divorced I lived alone. I did all kinds of things. My house was spotless. Now I do really good to sit on the couch but that's ok, I guess. I want him back. I want to be with him. I know I can't. It's not my time yet but it was his. I love him so very much. When we first started dating I tried to avoid things and situations like birthday parties but he made me go along. He loved us all. He wanted us to get along and be there for Laynie. I gotta get myself far enough along to be there for Hannah. Maybe someday I can even figure out how to be there for myself. I wish I could keep myself together enough to be out in public.