Frustrations

I'm so tired of roadblocks. It just seems like they are everywhere. I don't ask why me and I don't try to understand the reasons for things happening. I don't have any answers. I just keep trucking forward. I'm not really strong. I'm not really hanging in there but I also don't give up for Hannah. Today's "Meditation for Grief":

"The world is not divided into the strong who care and the weak who are cared for. We mus each in turn care and be cared for, not just because it is good for us, but because it is the way things are. -Sheila Cassidy."

I'm tired of heading in the right direction. I'm angry, sad, lonely, but I love him so much. He is dead but he isn't gone. His spirit and his love live on. He wanted so much for us and our life with our girls. I don't want to be angry but I know it is part of the process. I don't want to keep crying but I know it is part of the process. The meditation book also says today, "I am a human being and I don't need to put up a facade of strength." I have no more strength for today.

Storms come in many forms. They can be rain, emotional, outside influences but they are still storms. They can be weathered but the destruction can happen. You can prepare but sometimes they still get you! I'm tired of trudging. I want my life back! I'm angry, yes, but there is no way to make that anger change anything. It doesn't bring him back, it doesn't take away the pain and in the end it can only hurt someone else. I don't want anyone else to feel the pain I feel! I love him but never once would I want others to think it was a competition for his love. He had plenty to share in many different ways.

So forgive me if I can't be strong. Can someone please come hold my hand and tell me that he loves me?