Mother's Day

I love my Mom and my wonderful daughter! They both are giving me such fantastic moral support. I don't think I'd be putting one foot in front of the other without them. They let me find my pace. I still don't know what that is but I'm here.

There are so many people who have walked this road. Is there a reason it has to be so lonely? Grief is undeniably painful and there are no answers. I find comfort in others support even if it is just for me to say what is going through my head at the time. Others should know that there are ways to walk through this with support and love. Reaching out and not hiding has been my best way to put one step in front of the other.

I don't know what the future holds. I guess I never really did but we had plans - so many plans! Walking around those plans is gut wrenching. I'm such a planner and coordinator. I don't even want to do to plan. I just want to sit and stare at the computer or the tv! Bills and work don't let me do that. Do you know what it's like to lose your other half of your income in a 36 hour time frame of waiting on your fate. Our relationship wasn't about money but it sure is a factor now.

I'm making cuts and plans are limited. I guess that is one foot in front of the other kinds of activities! We didn't live outside our means. But things that were being put together for our future didn't happen. I will get to where finances don't terrify me once again. But for now when they trigger a panic attack I go to my breathing room and get out there again.

Hannah got me through a trip to Wal-mart on the way home tonight. If that isn't love for me then I don't know what is. I'm glad that Wal-mart has groceries! The grocery store is still there and I think it will be when I'm ready. I've discovered that Scott's tummy was expensive. Yes you know I would rather have his crazy food habits back along with him but I know that isn't happening. I have to someday get off the couch but I know it is ok for right now. My coworkers told me if next year I'm still sitting at my desk and crying every morning at 10 am then they'll kick my rear but for now they'll allow it.

This is very helpful for me to type. I can reach out to others and you can grieve with me or what the hey just ignore me :D