One foot in front of the other.

So how do you do that? I guess I should start at the beginning of my immediate life change. My husband left the house at 7:30pm Sunday, April 4, 2010 never to return home. After a two day search we found him and his truck submerged in a pond close to where he'd been dropping off branches from the palm trees in our backyard. His thought on that was always it is recyclable why would I send it to the landfill? I always chuckled and told him to not get caught. Little would I know that his favorite places to be - out in the middle of nowhere close to home on a country back road would be where we'd find him.

Scott and I were to do the big official marriage ceremony in June at a real life castle in the Texas Hill Country. His choice! He was doing most of the planning. We had however lived together and considered this a formality. We had even done some prior setting up of an insurance hospital policy where he listed me as his spouse. Now I know that in Texas that is all it takes, so yes he was my husband. My daughter called him StepDad and I introduced myself as his daughter's stepmom. I can't believe that his fairytale wedding ceremony had to all be cancelled.

So after two days of trying to get the police in our small town to listen to me they found his body in his truck. He suffered from seizures and the last few weeks they had changed. He had been to the neurologist and they had upped some of his meds and it appeared to be working. Just before he left the house I noticed he didn't seem right. Off in a distance. I asked him about it and told him I was having a hard time finishing our wedding invitations because he seemed so off. He looked at me and told me "it's ok! I love you!" Those were his last words to me.

After they found him they sent his body for an autopsy. The results we found out by watching the news! Not once did anyone call myself or his family. He suffered a coma induced by seizure and drove his truck through the barbed wire fence up an incline, 150 feet into a pond (stock tank in TX lingo) and drowned. I'd been with him everytime before. Prior to this they were rare. He was cleared to drive and always knew before he had one. I guess they call this an aura. He knew. This time I noticed he was different but I took his word that he was not feeling that. I know I couldn't change it but that doesn't mean I dont' want to change it.

Our lives are all different. Mine because he was my best friend and the love I'd only dreamed. My daughter because he was there everyday for the last two and half years. His daughter because she is going to be six and will never know her Daddy in the growing up times of her life. His parents because they can never stop the pain of losing their son. His sister has her own life issues that come from being like most of us with siblings. His friends because he was always their and never asked for anything in return. The list continues on because he touched so many lives in so many ways.

I can say that he and I didn't have the perfect relationship we had our fights and moments but we worked through them. In all of this I feel like I'm the one with the guilt because he believed in us and our love beyond whatever problems other people put into our path. I doubted my strength but he had enough for us both and taught me to be a stronger person. He continues to share his love with me and all those lives he touched.

I've decided I need to work through this overwhelming loss in my heart through writing. He always said I was the creative one. I always thought to write silly romance novels but here I am writing my story at one month since he left his humanly form to take his healed soul and spirit into the light of God's love.