Illness

So stress and grief can lower your immune system. This morning I woke up with a fever and tummy junk. I curled back up and called in. I'm not giving anything to my patients. My fever finally broke but then I was dizzy and had a migraine. I was actually going trying to get to work. I have stuff to do and it helps my mind stay active.

Today's meditation is "We must allow ourselves to be interrupted by God." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

It is truly correct. Life was going along at a predictable pace and now I have reappraise my priorities and reset my life. I also have to be thankful for each day we had together. Each moment we created a memory. I don't regret our life together. I only regret that he had to leave before we could finish all the plans, live our life at the predictable pace.

This afternoon I laid down on the floor at the foot of the bed and sobbed. Being sick and grief just make it all heavier. I'm try to get where I'm supposed to be but today I couldn't even reach out for help. I just want to curl up and go too. The depression is intense sometimes and then I try remember how he wanted us to live. It's not helping today. I'm better thankfully the fever broke but my emotions are frail.

Guilt, regret, blame, fear are all the emotions that will bring me down. I don't want any of those feelings. I can be positive and move forward, someday. In all that I learn in this path there is no timeline and that the process is very personal. It shouldn't be done alone but it is very personal. How do I live forward today? I think it is okay to let my body heal and then live forward tomorrow. I think the hardest of the danger emotions is fear. It has been my own personal demon even before all of this. I will learn to not fear living forward. Scott didn't fear what we had created together. He lived with gusto and embraced each moment. Now my immune system needs to cooperate!