On Hold

I can't tell you how I feel like everything is in limbo. The best laid plans of mice and men. I am trying to live but there are some days I don't know how to do that. I really have gone to a passive place. My decision making skills are significantly limited and any little bit of sensory stimulation sends me into overload. I'm needing things to stay as orderly as possible. I can function in slow with my life but I can't handle anything that is any bit stressful. I guess I am handling the stress of loosing my Love. I'm living forward but anything else is too much.

Last night my parents were sorting through boxes of my Grandmother's stuff to sell at the community garage sale. She had tons of stuff! Boxes of stuff none of us would want to continue to store. Last night there were empty decorative gift boxes in this one box! It has been over a year. I found in that same box a piece of glass etching my Dad had made for my Grandmother that had to be at least 15 years ago. I kept it. Like I need more stuff in my life. As we went through that one box I kept thinking I should go through my own stuff just to make it easier for my family when the time comes. The only thing you can take with you is love. I recognize that. I've always recognized that but that would just be another stress that I'm not up too handling yet. Let me get through some of the crappy emotions and find my balance.

I'm on hold right now. In all of this I'm finding my spirit and deciphering what I'm supposed to learn from my crossroads. I know that I'm forever grateful for the love Scott and I share. That kind of relationship doesn't just happen because you make it happen. Now I have to take the memories and the love I feel for him and deal with the quiet and continue my self reflection. I am growing. I haven't just "made my mind up" to live forward, I wasn't given a choice. How long I'm in my physical life is partially up to me. Feeling the desire to be with Scott and actually doing that are two different ideas. I don't know what the future holds for me. I do know that he wants me to be happy. That was what he wanted in life why would it be different in the afterlife? I am taking the steps to get through all the firsts without him physically by my side but his love I will always know.