I have learned

I have learned...

1- stress is my enemy
2- I don't know who I am but I'm trying
3- I can't do it all
4- I'm a nice person who has had horrible things happen in my life.
5- I have to survive.

I learned number five because I know Scott watched Laynie and I fight for our lives. He begged God to take him instead while we were both sick. He loved us that much. I still remember the look on his face when I woke up in ICU. His look was of pure pain at the thought of loosing me. I'm not the stronger one of us but I don't have a choice right now. Anxiety attacks, panic attacks, fear, anger all cause my MS to flare up. I have to find a place in my heart and mind to combat this time in my life.

I have moments of quiet. Moments of peace and they are getting larger but this time has not been one of them. I think the pain in my life is causing me horrible psychological problems. I'm trying but at times I'm not succeeding to walk through this pain. Not without help. I need to find peace and how to get through this time. I have learned that there are really wonderful people in my life and then some that need to face their own demons before they judge others.

I pray for God to help me find the peace to live my life forward. I pray for God to help me to the place I'm supposed to live without fear and anxiety. I want to be happy again. It isn't today and it certainly hasn't been the last 12 weeks but I do find myself having moments of smiling and helping others. I'm not a bad person. I have a disability that I work through each day and apparently I have added the psychological trauma of loosing my love. I'm trying to learn how to cope but it is not possible to do on my own.

I really shouldn't be alone but I have no place to go right this minute. I will continue with my counselor and lean on my friends and family. I will send my needs to God and be open to my faith. When I forget to pray I am overcome with it all. Scott is in God's love and through that continues to love me. Scott's life had meaning and joy. He shared that with me. It is very hard to be courageous and strong but I'm not giving up even when I want to. I have to stop and find my ability to breathe so that I can live forward.

I have learned I can't do it all and others can't dictate how I should be feeling. My true friends are here with open arms. Thank you to all of you who reach for me even if we are far apart. I will make my way forward each day at a time but on a bad day it is okay for me to stop and find my center of balance again. If I don't I will be gone and just living in a shell of a body with very little spirit or desire.