Coping

I can't seem to write tonight. I can't seem to live today. I started out well and then stress hit. I shouldn't have had such a reaction but I did. I need things to happen without change. I need the things that are continuous to just be the same for a bit longer. I'm not ready for anything else to change.

I have a rough week my counselor is on vacation. It really does help me get to a place where I can cope with the little stuff that happens during the day. I have to get to Friday when my friend Susan will be here. I'm very happy that she is coming to support me. I really do have lots of people out there for me. I'm just not being very good about being there where I was before. I need to focus on something besides the grief. I have wonderful people in my life. I have joyous memories that include not only Scott but others as well. I need to put myself in that room where those memories are and lock the door. I've been working on the place that is a mental positive place.

I can't be good. I can't be strong. I don't know how to be happy again. I cope for moments at a time. I can be quiet and not so into the grief. I am trying to figure out how to not let the grief take over and make my memories of love and joy forever sadness. He loves me. He will never stop loving me. He will continue to be there as I try to live forward.

Today in my grief the entire Kinder class from Laynie's school came to my work today to sing to our residents. I didn't know the event was going to happen. I got a gift from Scott. Laynie got a gift from Daddy. She will always be in my heart and I know she will always know how much we both love her. I'm the arms to give her a hug from Daddy and I got one in return. I was doing great in that knowledge. I will try to hold that knowledge and work past the stress others try to hand me. I don't have enough hands right now to juggle anything else. I don't need anymore change right now. Let me learn to cope with what I have in my path for now.

I'm not making a lot of sense even to myself for now. Let me learn to cope. Let me be the person I am but I have to find her first. The real me, the person Scott loved is hidden inside me for now but sometimes I catch a glimpse.