Where I belong?

Today was to be... stressful, beautiful and fun. Tonight Scott was insisting we were staying together that we belonged together. In my brain we have done the day together the way it was planned. My beautiful Hannah has her what ifs. I know she is being cared for better then I could do this weekend. I hate that I am struggling with my emotions. I have good moments and bad moments.

I don't know what I am or where I am supposed to be. I miss the love of my life. I miss the things were had planned. I don't really care that my life is supposed to have another meaning. I want him back. This sucks. The pain isn't nice. I have so many things in my head. I love him. I need him but I know he will never hold me in his arms again. I know he is here. I know I am the love of his life. I know he will give me infinity and beyond. Someday!

Right now I continue to work through the worst pain ever. I know there are people in this world who are cruel and stupid. I choose to give these people no power and find the place where I belong. It is sometimes easier said then done but I am in charge of me. How I make someone feel well anyway. I have to get the worries out of my head and know I will conquer so many things.

Today I am thankful for the life Scott and I shared. The memories we created, the planning we did to get to these days were important to Scott. He was a giggly bride! He picked out flowers. He didn't care who knew. He picked out cake. The day we tasted cake - need I say more! It's Scott. The man could eat and never gain, except he had gained. He was happy. He made a point everyday of telling me how much he loved me and that I made him happier then he ever had been. The life he wanted was with me.

Yesterday we walked around the grocery store here. It's easy when it isn't my own store. We were walking down the cookie aisle and his favorite cookies were there in abundance. At our house they were hard to find. He is in everything and everywhere. I can't change that! I don't want to change that! I won't change that! It is helping me face my grief processes.

So tonight my love I will be in your arms just where you wanted me to be. You are here. You surround me with love always and forever. The power of love will continue to infinity and beyond. We got our physical days together in too short of time but we will get our forever. I love you.