Fly Birdy Fly

Well I just sent Hannah on a trip for a week. Scott and I were so excited for her and the chance to explore the world and expand her horizons. I'm still excited for her but I'm being selfish too. It's just another stupid bridge to cross. I know I can't be perfect. I know I have to walk through just one step at a time. I'm told I'm being hard on myself, that I'm making it, that I'm stronger then I give myself credit. The only thing I know is that I get out of bed everyday. I don't have a timeline for trying to be anyplace with my emotions. I just don't like me at all. I just want to like myself again.

Susan is still here and that is helping so very much. I didn't make her eat Mexican food tonight and we made it to the grocery store. Food for a single person. She understands and gets it.

Today's meditation: "Learning to trust will be for all of us the means by which the root system grows firm and nourishes the tree of life." - Elaine M. Prevallet. I don't trust myself to get through each day. Each day hurts. I'm not ready to expect anything less. I am having moments of smiles but most of the time it really doesn't reach my heart. I love my daughter. I love my friends and family but I'm trying to love myself again. I'm trying to trust myself.

I sent Hannah off on her trip. I want to hold her tight and not let her out of my sight but that isn't okay. I can't hold her hostage in my personal prison. I'm sending my little birdy out to fly. Someday I will be able to find my own wings and soar. It is too soon. I still need to be held close and guided. I just don't know how to ask for help. Other then to say, the panic keeps attacking.