Television

I'm worn out. Emotions are so very tiring in grief. I guess I'm doing all the things I supposed to be doing. I'm facing all of my emotions. I'm not ignoring them. There is no set way to face all of the pain. I can read all the books on the subject. I can't hide and I won't hide from what I'm feeling. I'm just so exhausted. I want relief. I can't tackle anything more for now.

I can look pictures. I can remember the good times. I can feel his love. I just need a break for a bit from all of the whirlwind of emotions. Our home is my comfort zone for now. In a bad day if I can make it home I know I made it another day. On a good day if I can make it home I know I will make it another day. His bathroom counter is the same. The notes he made about the med changes. His hand towel with toothpaste marks. I can't clean it out. I'm not ready. Yes I know he is gone and never coming back. I know it is just stuff but there is still pain in going through it all and cleaning it out. Someday I will do it just not yet.

I sit tonight in front of the television. I have a routine of programs that I can watch without thinking. I have some movies I try to watch but that is a bridge that I start to cross and then come back across. My romantic love. He loved to go to the store and pick out fun things to eat. Well he was always eating but we would make a picnic and spread out the comforter and pillows and have a movie marathon. We had so much fun just being together, doing nothing or crossing off the "honey do" list.

The television isn't a very good date but it numbs the pain for a bit so that I can rest my body and prepare for another day. I like the times when friends give me a break with a call or dinner. Someday maybe things will be different but my heart will always have a hole that can't be repaired but that doesn't mean it won't have room for more love. The only thing I can do is face my grief and learn to make it through each day. My only goal in life continues to be getting out of bed each day. What happens from there I try to go with where my feelings lead and work through them not mask them. Now if I can eat and get hunger back - I'll just leave that for another day.