Face First

It really is good to admit I'm not strong. I'm not invincible and that word implies I can't be defeated to me. Scott and I had tons of things that we overcame. Our personal journey was not one without battles. He always told me I helped him through events that he would have failed on his own. Right now it is good for me to admit I'm not okay.

Yesterday's Meditation ironic on Scott's Birthday -

I must learn to: open bottles, move the furniture, open stuck windows, go home alone, investigate the noise in the night, eat alone, make decisions alone, handle money alone, go on trips alone, fight with service companies alone, be sick alone, sleep alone, sing alone. - Sonja O'Sullivan

Hannah left tonight to go for the week with her Dad. I was not alone for a few days but truly I am. I have lost my partner. Hannah is my daughter and it isn't her responsibility to be there in the little stuff that I'm so used to sharing. I have been searching for a place to be and find comfort. Today I found an online support group for young widows. I can continue with the "brave" face for those around me. I'm am a strong reminder to others that life is short. I don't think people mean to feel that way but who wants to know that life can end without warning at 37.

There are people that I know are still here for me. I do know that! I just know that the house is empty of human contact. He isn't sitting next to me tickling my toes. He isn't lounging in the bath with a book. He visits. I know that LOVE is magic, light and power. This process isn't about climbing a ladder. There is not a right way or a wrong way to grieve. For me there is only MY way. For everyone else there is only THEIR way.

The overwhelming "how are you doing?" has no true answers. I can't really tell you but the socially acceptable answer is OK or making it. I know the pain is in my eyes because it is in my heart. A hug and "no your not, but I'm here to hold your hand" goes a long way. I will have days were I'm on the bottom. This process is about the circle of infinity and beyond. Today just happens to not be a day that a happy smiling face gets plastered on. There is not a way to fake it until you make it in grief. I have to face these days head on and get the feelings out of my heart and the thoughts out of my head. If I didn't you might as well start collecting to pay for an extended stay padded cell.