Big 12

The last few days with all the Big 12 issues has had me thinking a lot of Scott's words of wisdom on sports. He talked a bunch about sports and surprisingly I asked relatively intelligent questions. He loved him some Longhorns. He had a head full of sports statistics but all things Longhorns were there. I can hear his comments. My mind has been full of his words. Several times over the years we talked about how the Big 12 was formed. He knew I would sometimes just nod but I did always listen. We had a big family feud when it came time to play Kansas. Not with me but the other Big 12 supporter in the family - my Mother. He liked teasing her but he was such a good sport that he voluntarily bought a KU shirt at the Final Four basketball tourney in San Antonio when we went with Mom and Bob a few years ago. I feel like he is having fun with this turn of events. Now when football season gets here I don't know how to make it through that season.

We rounded each other out. Not just in sports and theater but so many more areas of our lives. I miss teasing him about his Texas twang and good 'ol boy sayings. It is hard to see the stack of books he was working on reading that I had finished. He gave me such a hard time about how fast I read. He would read a book months after I'd finished and then quiz me for comprehension!

I went to grief group tonight. Getting through each day requires ongoing help. I'm not turning it away. Afterwards I had been invited to a friends house for a gathering of what Scott called gaggle party. I made it but I couldn't stay. I quietly snuck out when the panic attack feeling started again. I loved seeing my friend but I'm still learning how to make small talk all over again. It isn't something I'm against trying again but I know after the mental exhaustion of support group it was more then I should have tried.

Afterwards I did have to run to Wal-mart for a few things and I did that ALONE! I think I found the trick doing going there without going overboard. Now if I hadn't gone to the "gaggle" party I wouldn't have made the Wal-mart goal! So I think they may require a thank you card for letting me sneak out. So the the trick I should mention was going in the other door. Normally I park on the grocery side, unless I'm going to the pharmacy. I tricked my brain. Silly maybe but if a change in the door I enter gets me into the store alone without a panic attack I've made progress.

I know I'm my own worst enemy. I know the expectations from others and how I deal with my grief aren't there or if they are it doesn't matter. I try not to be hard on myself but I'm need to figure out so many things and everyday it seems to be something new. I've gotta give myself credit because I really am doing more then just getting out of bed but that is the only expectation I have for myself. If I end up doing something more then that each day then I'm my normal overachiever self.