Living

I'm living slowly. Susan is still here and it is very comforting to have her just hanging out. Taking time away from her own life to help me live. I didn't want to get up but I did. We stayed up late last night playing Bananagrams and watching a movie. Susan brought this game to Hannah and she is addicted. I was able to live and not stew concentrating on creating words in this game; a mixture of scrabble and your own crossword puzzle. After that we watched "Leap Year." The hardest part of the movie wasn't watching them fall in love, I've done that and very deeply, but the part where their car lands in a pond.

I have fears. It is a sad human state that I have to conquer one at a time. My own personal quest. We got out and toured the town again running errands. I'm usually very organized with errands but I find myself criss-crossing town. My poor brain can't handle this sad state of affairs. It has been very interesting hearing all of the things about the East coast and the comparisons to this part of the country. Someday soon that will be our next stop on the "Wicked" friends tour. This certainly isn't how I ever expected my friends to visit my home.

We came home this afternoon and did some computer time. Just like having Scott here. Susan, Hannah and I each on our laptops but still having great conversations. I did reach a point where I needed to try to nap. I still don't actually sleep without the meds. I attempt for a nap but I'm not going to risk it at bedtime. I rested but my brain went into overload. I started to have an anxiety attack. In the meantime, Hannah and Susan went out to swim. I have sat on the edge of the pool but I've been afraid of the water. That isn't me - EVER! I have always loved hanging out in the pool. Scott was so excited about the coming summer and opening the pool. He loved water but when we started dating couldn't swim. I think mostly because he had zero body fat. We always laughed about his inability to float but we taught him how to swim.

I got out of bed. I was trying to live past the anxiety attack so I went outside and sat on the edge of the pool. I finally got up the courage to put on my suit, another new piece of honeymoon clothing and get into the water. Susan and I talked and talked. The best thing for me is talking openly and honestly about all of the junk that is in my head. This process can't be done alone. It is personal but not possible to do without great ears and hearts of others. We watched Hannah scoop some dead creature out of the pool. Now if there is ever a snake in the pool again that will have to be forever Scott's job or someone else will have to take it over. Yuck!

I've been teasing Susan about Mexican food. She talks about not really experiencing it on the East coast. Taco Bell is about as wild as she knows about. So tonight we went back to where we were going to eat last night. We walked right in and had a wonderful time at dinner. It has been so nice having a break from my sadness. I cry still but I can walk through memories in conversation without always being uncontrollable. We have came home to more game time and another movie. The house is my comfort zone. The couch is my haven but the company makes living possible. Susan will have to return home. I have to figure out how to do things without anyone around. I have more demons to conquer. I don't really want to but I wasn't given the choice. I feel like my free will was taken from me but then again when we are children most of us are taught that we don't always get our way. There are battles to be fought to find some form of peace but I don't get the choice to have Scott continue to physically be present with us. I will always live with our memories and that is today's meditation. I have the free will to call upon our good times and bad to continue to feel his love.