Compassion

I got myself out of bed today! How couldn't I be proud of the fact I can do that most days! I was in a good quiet place then I had to deal with another's view on what I should be doing and feeling. I've worked really hard to achieve professional goals in my life. I'm not always perfect and I do make mistakes. I try to move past the mistakes and accept them. I've been trying to say for days I'm feeling stepped on and judged that I'm not doing my job correctly. My goals for my team and my department are to provide the highest treatment and help as many people as possible by thinking outside the box. I know there are always going to be people you don't see eye to eye with. I have always been the bender and trying to get everyone to get along.

Scott was always the one who I would have to say step back and think. Just because you want to explode doesn't mean it's not easier to give in. I can't do that. I can't be stepped on. It is okay to not always do things just the way you've always done them. It is okay to approach teamwork from a different point of view. I inherited a mess. I created a program that is supposed to be about thinking outside the box. Today I lost my cool because someone else wants to do things the way they did it before. That person then in what I heard that they "shouldn't have to watch what they say and not make me cry. That we all have stress in our lives and I need to get over it and just deal with it." Yes that really makes me want to do things your way. Works has been my safe place to be. It gets me out of bed daily.

Not so much now. Even if you have a poor filter and things just spill from your mouth, there is no OK in saying that to a person who just lost the love of their life, soulmate and spouse. Yes I lost my cool. Yes I'm beyond listening to anything and the more said the more attacked I feel. If as I was told communication is working what part of let's not make changes let me learn to live and breath without crying wasn't heard. I know I didn't handle anything well right now. All I hear is you don't know what your doing and I know more then you so I'm going to step all over you and tell you what to do. That may or may not be what was meant but it is what I heard. I was done. I lost it.

I can tell you that June is going to be horrible. I'm trying not to anticipate events that just cause me grief overload. I'm trying to continue to be at a point I can get out of bed on a daily basis. I can tell you how many days until things were supposed to happen. I can tell you exactly what we did at the same time last year and the year before and the year before. Oh heck for the last five years! I can tell you exactly what I was wearing the day Scott and I met but I'm not anticipating that date next week. I can't go there it hurts to much to face until the day gets here.

There are times when people don't know what to say to you. I can understand that but I never knew that shoving grief into some one's face was possible. I reached out once again for the friends I know have compassion. I continue to try to "turn the corners and face the fear of the unknown" Today I also loved this "Toast always lands buttered side down, cats always land on their feet, but over time we learn that our grief does not mean that we will always land face down. Scott's passing is still a very recent event and you are going to have some very rough days; that's a measure of the love you shared."

So what happens if we put the toast on the cat? I had to work really hard to get to place where I could do my job. I made it. My mind was back to the slow function. Multiple tasks at once - didn't happen. Tomorrow I will try again. Tonight my friend Angela took the time to go to dinner with me. We can commiserate in our grief and not have people not know what to say to us. I can say to her "yes I do feel like I want it to be my time!" Don't let me shock the rest of you because I would never do anything to make it my time. Scott would be kicking my rear. We listen to each other. Our loved ones are encouraging us as they live in the light of God. We help each other.

I read forward into my Daily Grief Meditation book. I needed to try to find calm. So tomorrow I will leave you with this thought "Truly, it is allowed to weep. By weeping, we disperse our wrath; and tears go through the heart, even like a stream." - Ovid. The book suggests that crying is a way to relieve the pressure of grief. That she has never seen anyone turn away in impatience or disgust from someone who is crying genuine tears. Someday it will happen. I can get through a day without crying. I am still working on that.