My craft room is full of stuff for the wedding ceremony. I keep the door closed most of the time but my printer is in there. I went in there and stood and sobbed looking at bags of plates, forks, knives, cups and serving items for the reception. Who knew plates could make you cry. I need to clean them out but it's like everything else. Someday... not yet.
I counted the hours until Hannah needed to be picked up. I was great to have her home. I know the trip was good for her. It got her out of all the reminders. The radio did it's thing when we were almost home. Scott is glad she is home safe too and has new life experiences to share. I doubt I ever make it to NYC. Hannah keeps telling me how overwhelming it would be for me. The only thing I want to see is a Broadway show and the Statue of Liberty. I'm such a small town girl. Exploring new places was exciting with Scott. We really did do some great trips in three years.
Tomorrow is one of those days I need to find a way to celebrate. His birthday! This would be the sixth time we celebrated together. Each were individually amazing. Now how do I celebrate. The birthday's were more about being together then gifts and stuff. Although I think his favorite was dinner at Emeril's. He kept telling me I changed his life and gave him experiences he could only dream. It worked both ways. We did it all together. We lived life to the fullest.
I couldn't be at home. Home is comforting but I still can't do major chores. The list of "honey do's" is still there. I will get to them. At least I can do laundry, dishes and the trash. Now cleaning carpets, fertilizing the yard, putting out fire ant stuff, caulking the shower... you get the idea. Hannah and I came to Mom's instead. My niece flew in for her summer time with Grandma. It was originally for the wedding but well we all know what happened to that formal ceremony. Nope not going there right now.
The family all headed to a rodeo. I stayed back to rest and keep calm. The last rodeo was enough for me. I don't really have to cross that bridge of memories. I can keep the one with Scott alive in my heart. It's not like some stuff I have to learn to do. As I'm sitting there watching some tv the cats bring a bird into the house. It is alive and flies around. It makes it to a safe spot and rests for a bit but this has continued all evening. A Mexican stand off with the cats and the poor bird. It is still alive and has itself in a high place where the cats can't reach but it won't let me shoo it out of the house.
I'm really okay with the bird signs I receive all the time. The one that sat in the yard all day and all the others that show up are good. It's like the music on the radio! Not so much when it is one in the house. I've been having a long conversation with Scott about this sign
I think the lesson I have learned in these past few weeks is the art of protection. Hiding behind a facade is safety mechanism because after a while seeing the sadness on others faces and hearing the sorrow for me in their voices just adds another dimension to enough that is there. I'm just trying to live forward but living a daily life without Scott is miserable. I miss the arguments. I miss the smiles. I miss it all. My heart has a hole in it but that doesn't mean I get to stop living. I have to be open to the signs from a love that can never be recreated but continues to help me live forward.
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