Foggy

My brain gets a lot foggy these days. I am positive I go quite numb. I know it is my mind and body's way of protecting and healing itself. The stress of life is too much some days but that is part of the experience. There are so many things in this road of grief that aren't understood. Feelings and thoughts that I didn't know were possible are there. I made today work because I can go into autopilot mode. I can be a Rehab Director and a Speech Therapist because I have done it for so long. I can put on the smile and move like nothing is wrong. That is the furthest from the truth. The loss of Scott isn't a punishment to anyone. The grief isn't something that can be "gotten over" or "move on." His death isn't any one's fault. There is no one to blame. It was just a freak accident.

Grief is a process of learning to live forward. Right now autopilot is functional. If I didn't have the work and a purpose the pain of the grief would take over. The few hours in the evening of quiet and TV before bed are hard. It is also a time that I can be foggy again. I write to work through all that is in my heart and head. Talking and sharing are very important for me. The tears that continue to happen all the time are a release of my sadness. If there are people who are tired of me I can't make them be there for me anymore then they can't make me stop the grieving process.

There are so many people who are still there for me. A support system that is complex and beyond belief for me at times. I accept that without question. I freely take what is offered with open arms. It makes me know that I'm not alone in the process of grief. There are things in this world that I'm done trying to understand. As I sit here writing, I go back and forth to Facebook. I see a post about one of my childhood classmates who passed away last night. I can see his face when we were teenagers. There has been too much of this lately. There have been many people lately. Lots of people that Scott and I knew. This person was not a person Scott knew but shared the same first name. Someone just stab me in the heart again. I guess it is a really good thing I'm so very numb right now. There was a purpose when it seemed earlier today that it occurred out of left field.

Every time I see another person has gone into the light of God's love I keep thinking that must be one heck of a party going on. It really does need to slow down for a bit. I need to figure out how to live forward at my own speed to learn how to rebuild and reformulate my daily life. Someday I will get invited to that party, we will all be invited to that party but for now I will continue to find comfort in the messages and love I will always receive from Scott.