Happy Birthday, My Love

I got through it. Scott's birthday. He would have been 38 today. He was so looking forward to making it that far. He was always looking forward to 40. We used to talk about how I almost didn't make it there. He wanted to grow old with me. We used to laugh about being the couple in the nursing home who drove the nurses nuts because we loved each other so very much.

I don't know how I'm supposed to handle today. I didn't know what I wanted it to be. All I know was what it was supposed to be. I can't live in what it was. It doesn't get me living forward. He was always looking at our future. He said the past made him who he was for me. Our connections are beyond words and I know he hates me living in pain. Even when I was the one at deaths door he kept me here. He was sitting at my bed in the ICU with a look of terror when I woke up. I wasn't to be the one to go first. Now I have to figure out this process of living.

My Mom asked me what I wanted to do today. I didn't know. I have no answers. Today I just needed someone to guide me around but that didn't happen. I needed a celebration. It didn't happen with anyone except me. I crept out of Mom's house. Everyone was busy. They didn't notice I went outside. I picked a rose and walked down to the dock/lake. I sat on the dock. The lake was where we were supposed to be today. I still have trouble with large areas of water but I went. I wrote out my birthday wishes for him and attached them to the rose. I wished him Happy Birthday and sent the rose onto the lake.

The tears were heavy and fell onto the concrete of the dock. I watched the note separate from the rose. It floated around a bit as the waves from the boat traffic pulled the rose out towards the lake from the cove. My words of love were carried under water and the rose swam ahead. It was like our life. I have to keep floating on in this life. He knows my love for him. He took that with him but his loves continues to surround me. We will forever be connected. I have to learn the process of living not just barely surviving.

This was one of those days when I was alone while those around me had their lives to be in. I'm trying to learn. I'm trying not to be stuck. It isn't easy to live but here I am. Doing stuff alone that I don't want to do. There is no one here to hold my hand. It is a day of missing a life and trying to grasp a life that I didn't want. Accepting will never happen. That means I'm good with all that has happened. I will never Accept but I do acknowledge. I acknowledge that I have to live. I will continue with the rotating emotions there will be no timeline. He will always be My Love. Today I celebrate his life and send him my love.