Solitary

Life is sure quiet in the house. Susan left this morning and I went to work. I have plenty of work to do to keep me busy at work but life is so much more then work. I could hide there but Scott wants me to be happy and live forward. I work with my patients to empower themselves, I need to learn to empower myself. I'm working on myself and a big step for me is being alone. Other people are alone. I've been alone before. I have something now that I didn't have before - a relationship with a Scott. I know how he wanted us to have happiness together in our life. We had happiness, not a perfect romance novel relationship but we were happy.

He wants me to continue in happiness. I shouldn't fear the future but embrace it just as he did. Today I embrace myself for the day. Another book I'm reading says, "Smiling and laughter are often keys to opening one's heart." My heart hasn't closed but finding myself and who I'm supposed to be in all of this quiet is a challenge. That hole in my heart has forever changed me. I didn't need Scott to make my life better but he certainly did enhance it. I think right now my life feels less full. It isn't fun to go from all the planning into this quiet.

All the plans and arrangements were so much work but leading to a future. It didn't stop us from enjoying each other and our magical moments. There should have been more for us but I can't change that. We can't go back and make Scott have a physical body - hairy guy. He has to be somewhere else. His spirit is here and he loves us. I'm not completely alone. I will never be completely alone. I just have to adjust to a slower pace and find new things that make sense to my future. Right now I know I have to be strong, hold on to my beliefs and live forward. I am my own person. I can do this and honor Scott's memory and our love.