Restless

Today I've been very restless. I woke up at 7am and tried to sleep. My dream was very vivid. Scott was there. He was holding me and hugging me and telling me all kinds of things. I tried to stay there in my dream with him but as always I have to wake up. It was beautiful. I will always feel his love.

I laid in bed dozing off and on. I wanted to stay there but I finally got up and took a shower. The water is very comforting. I go there when I'm on overload, physically and emotionally. I laid back down and dozed. I made myself get up and join my parents in the rest of the house. My mother and stepdad are my rock in all of this. It is where I can go even though it is a huge reminder of Scott. My Mom and I talked about grief for a bit. She continues to struggle with all the loses in our family just as I'm sure the rest of us do but Grandma lived with her. The loss of Scott compounds everything for not just me.

I continued to be restless. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't lay still. I couldn't read. Today was the longest day of all of this. I miss my Dad. I miss Scott. Scott loved being Daddy more then anything in this world. He hated that we couldn't have a child together but the girls were ours. We didn't have a choice but we did have a choice in loving each other. He loves Laynie and wanted to be there for all of life's events. He will be there just not how he wanted. I can only keep telling myself that Scott was needed by God for more then what was here on our phyical Earth.

In my Grandmother's things I found a book about Angels. How amazing when I needed it the most. It talks about taking the time to ask for the help you need. The only barrier from most people is feeling worthy of receiving the help. We spend our lives asking for help for others. It is okay to ask and feel worthy of receiving God's love. In my spiritual world God isn't mean and punishing of all things I've done wrong. He is kind and loving but most of all forgiving. He didn't take Scott to punish me. Scott has a higher power of love and the ability to guide.

I spent a great deal of the drive home in reflection. I prayed for a place of peace. When I receive any moments of peace I will always say thank you as I hand my life over for continued guidance because apparently what we had planned isn't where I was supposed to be. Happy Father's Day to all the amazing men in my life past, present and future.