Doing

I'm still just trying to get through today. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of my thoughts. I'm tired of being. I'm not really functioning. I'm don't know who I am. The thoughts of me are not so much fun anymore. When I choose to be alone I was good but I didn't chose this. Nobody would choose this. When you divorce or break up or change your life on your own there is still grief but I had the life that was mine. We weren't perfect but he was perfect for me.

I am not the only person to loose a spouse. Not even at this moment in time. People die it is the circle of life but insert curse word here it could have happened a lot later in our life together. I'm certain I'm nowhere near a possible healing. I have decided that I will never be healed I just have to live with the wound in my heart.

I've been doing things on my own. Hannah is very helpful but I've been doing things he would always come take over if I was trying to do things for myself. I've sprayed weeds, I've sprayed bug spray, I clean out the pool, took out the garbage. My Dad taught me things and life skills as far as basic repairs and taught me how to use tools! Scott was so funny because he would be trying to do things and end up calling for help or asking a bunch of questions at the home improvement store. When we were putting up the fence we worked together but he'd get so mad if I would go outside and work on it without him. I miss him so very much. Now if I can bring myself to spread the season long fire ant stuff he bought in the hours before he disappeared.

Tonight when I was in the garage I found a pair of his socks he had worn while doing the weed eating on "that" weekend. He'd taken them off because they were all grassy. I brought them in. I didn't throw myself on the ground and cry. I'm sure I will wash them and put them away in his drawer. I miss doing all those things together. All the chores that are part of daily life. I miss cooking for him. I miss fixing the computer for him and programming his iPod. I miss the sports conversations and the bath time chats. Most of all I miss cuddling next to him every night and talking. I still talk to him but that physical touch is so missing.