Fantasy

Every fantasy, every dream was to come true this week. I'm having a very hard time today not thinking about what I should be doing this week. Last minute details, things that shouldn't be in my house that are. My wedding dress has never been worn! Literally it has never even been tried on. I had it picked up and was waiting for the fittings to begin. I didn't even get to schedule them. My craft room is full of plates, cups, silverware that we picked out together in the party store. The trip to IKEA to pick up the lanterns for the table decorations. I can't do it. I can't keep the tears back.

The formal "see I love this woman with all my heart" was his idea. Last summer I wanted to get married in Hawaii. I had it all planned. All the details. He wanted the castle. I went along with him because he had amazing reasons to want to share that with everyone. We sat on the beach in South Padre on my birthday under the full moon talking about all the reasons we were married already that the castle was just the icing on the cake. What happened to the rest of my life? I'm really trying to put one foot in front of the other and make it into a place of peace.

Not any offense to my amazing friends but I want my fantasy back. I will embrace the love my friends give me and try to continue making it to where I can live without so much pain.

I found this today looking for comfort one of the books I found in Grandma's stuff this weekend, "The Angelspeake Book of Prayer and Healing"

You never have to explain.
You are doing the best you know how to do today.
You do not have to justify.
You are doing the best you know how to do today.
You do not have to defend.
You made your decision with the best information you had at the time and ...
you are doing the best you know how to do today.

I am doing the best I can I can do today. I need to find the place of peace in a loss that has ripped my heart out of my body. I still have love for others but Scott was my other half. If I figure out how to be happy someday with another it will be a gift from above. I'm not asking for that. I'm not looking for that but I will find hope and peace in my life on this physical plane as me. I only know that I need to continue the process of bereavement. This week is like loosing him all over again. I have to fight the days that seem so backward but I'm doing the best I know how today that is all that matters - TODAY.