Tonight

Today has been what I could say is crap. I won't go into the details but change seems to be everywhere. I have to progress in my grief. This week was supposed to be one of the happiest times in my life but well we all know what happened.

The only thing with this week is that I'm not in shock anymore. I have to face everything head on and not have the coping mechanism. So in this time I have learned the people I can really count on. Surprisingly it isn't all the ones I would have expected but I am facing that change. I will face everything eventually but at 11.5 weeks and "wedding" weekend I would really like someone to explain what they THINK I should be feeling because I can't say it wouldn't work because every person who is making it through this process has there own feelings. If you have never done this don't tell me how to act and feel. I am doing it ALL but I refuse to stop feeling because if I ignore the bad stuff it doesn't go away it just gets stronger and I know I would snap.

Tonight I have the joy of feeling Scott's love once again. When I need him this overwhelming feeling of warmth enfolds me as if I am receiving a hug of love. Tonight I made a call to a person who is only an acquaintace and simply asked for his prayers. It wasn't a long call it wasn't meant to be but I need the power of prayer this week as I face the fact head on that the love of my life is only here in the afterlife. I have true friends who I can count upon and for them I hope they know the power of my love.