Mail

Today the mail was all for Scott. How can mail hurt so much? One piece I need to deal with but the rest of it is junk. I'm glad I can toss the junk mail because I'd be buried under it all. It is just another reminder of a life that touched so many but everyday he was with me. I'm sad yes. I have thoughts that are up and down but I don't act on them. The only thing is all this horrible stress is messing with my physical abilities.

After this past weekend I feel calmer. Not sleeping but calmer. My friends took care of me and provided me with support. I know he is gone physically but I felt him knowing that he still loves me and would do anything that would make me happy. I know I won't be sad forever. I'm not sad all the time. I have moments of laughter that isn't painful. I'm just trying to understand how to keep living forward and what to do without the man I love.

Love has so many different forms. It can be the love for your friends, your animals, your children, and your parents. The love for your partner is such a different feeling. The day to day activities that connect you. The support, the hugs, holding hands, fights and making up are all part of sharing your life. I'm becoming such an introvert. How do I risk life again? I smile and I'm polite but it is very hard for me to initiate conversation with others. I know I have issues getting all my words out in the right way when my MS is acting up but the pain is all compounding those problems.

I am making progress. I am understanding everything but it does hurt. Someday I will learn how to be happy again in longer periods of time. I know the times are longer then they were 12 weeks ago. I miss him and I know he was a huge part of my life but I am trying to find who I am in this mess. Our connection is based on love that can never be broken. So as I sort through the mail, I smile and know his life was with me and his love will always be with me.