Even More

Lessons. That's right I keep getting them. I've never said I didn't want to keep learning but I've had enough grief in my life. Over my life I've lost Grandma Mary, Grandpa Claude, my Dad, my Grandpa Hilmer, my Uncle, my Aunt, Grandma Ruby, my step grandmother, Earl- my grandfather and now Scott. Four of those were within 10 months of each other this last year. There are others but they are the ones straight out of my brain. I get it I'm not supposed to understand. I lived 15 years of my life grieving the future loss of my Dad, wondering how or if he was going to be there for all those milestones. He made it to most of them. I believe in God and being spiritual. I know Grandma Ruby welcomed Scott with open arms and introduced him to my Dad. I know without a doubt in my heart the power of Love is amazing.

Today I asked for a quiet trauma free day. I worked and stayed in my little world. I made it. I don't like the continued fatigue but I made it. I told my counselor about how my only goal is to get out of bed and when I make it to more then that I'm an overachiever. She agreed that was the best way to handle life right now. I'm working on myself and figuring out who I'm supposed to be.

I had some free time, yes I know I have more then my fair share, so I finally scheduled an appointment to get my hair cut and highlighted again. The last time I was to get my haircut was in April but we didn't make it there. I took the scissors to the my hair the afternoon of Scott's visitation at the funeral home. I don't really care how I look but Scott liked when I felt good about myself. He made me feel good about myself. He would tell me how beautiful I was laying in a hospital bed with tubes all over or when I was all dolled up. I keep trying to do the things he wanted for me to continue living.

My hair stylist asked me how I was and then had to ask why I was so down. I had to tell the entire story. After the zillionth time telling the story I can do it with a few less tears. I still have them but I'm not sobbing. Yup a hairstylist makes a great listener! I also ran into one of Scott's work buddies. Scott talked about Jimmy everyday. He loved teasing and joking with him. He always came home with stories about doing this or that. He said work was so quiet without him there. I had to say I feel the same about our house. There are so very many people who miss him. So many people he loved and touched. I have to believe God and Scott are supporting me through this. I don't know what is beyond life in our human vessel but death is a transition into a more loving place.

Take the time to love. Throw your hurt, anger, jealousy, and pain out into the garbage. Reach out with a kind heart and a gentle touch and it will return to you over and over.