Winding my way

Above all, do not lose your desire to walk. Every day I walk myself into a state of well-being, and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thought, and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. - Soren Kerkegaard

How do I do this? Last night I was up late getting some work done. I couldn't take my sleepy med that late and still get up for work. It was a horrible night. I had nightmares of trucks, water, and loosing all kinds of people. Nope that doesn't help me. I don't need to wake up all night. So I will stick with the med for now. I guess I have to say I tried but it will have to wait for another day.

At work, my team sent me to Wal-mart for ice cream. We have reward Fridays every so often for our patients. I came back with not just ice cream but a panic attack. I can't handle groceries alone. It is horrible to feel that way. I'm normally a get in, get out and get it done kind of person with the food purchases. This is the crazy fear to have. I'm sure my team thinks I'm nuts but I told them I'm not ready for the store alone. Another thing I tried again. I'm okay with going to the pharmacy section to pick up meds but I think it is because I'm not in there longer then 10 minutes.

The mornings are the hardest for me but I do just as the quote says and walk myself into a state of functioning. I get myself there because I have to not because it is what I want. During a work lunch I found that I was laughing and telling stories about my favorite place, Disney World. I was able to tell how Scott proposed and smile. The ladies with me told me I could be a person who takes others to Disney and plan vacations and guides them around. I laugh when I think about it because it is a happy place for me. I know when I return I will have tears but my memories of Scott are very strong and comforting. The music overhead in the tea room/shop was busy talking to me. I can listen and hear the messages and find comfort in the knowing he is never far from me and my life does have a soundtrack.

I can't handle everything and I'm not completely without tears.If I wrote this blog throughout the day you would truly be able to see how I can go from normal to nuts in 2 seconds. It isn't a process that comes easy. I have to work hard to put myself into a comfortable place. I am home. I got through my day. I picked out shingles for the roof. I have learned so much about insurances. Things I didn't ever really want to know. It must be part of my living forward program. I am forever changed. I am forever wrapped in the arms of my newest guardian angel bringing me to infinity and beyond.