Getting Home

The hardest thing about being alone is the lack of someone to share your life with. Not just a body in the house but really talking to someone. The lack of communication about important day to day things. The how was your days and sharing a meal. I had a taste of that twice last week when I had dinner with friends on two different days. I thought I'd fallen off the nightmare wagon into the best dreams ever spending hours talking about real things not patient small talk.

The next big thing is not having someone ask you where you are and your guesstimated arrival time and miss you if you don't show up on time. It's really funny but I'm crazy punctual and one of those running late call and let you know people. My patients can tell time by me. One of them teasingly gives me grief when I'm four minutes late. Do you know what it means to have someone let you know they are on their way? Yup both friends did!!

I miss the other parts of a relationship but not as much as the giggling,  laughing, story telling, serious mind blowing conversations and hugs. Who doesn't love someone in their life who trusts you with their day? Dinner alone also sucks. I guess I don't really eat alone when I have a stealth kitty trying to steal bites but super special to sit at the table with a glass of wine and take out nachos or pizza! Who says cooking at home is required.

I also miss complaining about stuff left all over the house. I like things in order but I find myself leaving my clothes or shoes somewhere just so I can gripe at myself. There is also no one to gripe about not doing chores. Which is good because I hate being cranky. I guess what I'm truly saying is living alone has it's perks but the negatives are greater. I do manage to entertain myself but spend more time working than I really should. I also find myself using FB as a way to say hey if anyone cares I'm headed home and it was a really long beautiful amazing day.

So if you have someone like me take the time to share an evening with them!! It will make their day feel less lonely. You too may save a life and not even know!!!

Socks

Why yes of course I can!! So strange things happening in my house again!! I walked into my room and there were socks everywhere!! The door was closed so no cats were in there and the socks were in the basket by my dresser. A sock was on my nightstand by my picture of Scott!! Really!! What is the meaning of socks all over my room? Is there a message because it's much easier to decipher the radio and the dimes all over the house?

I didn't hear back from the real estate agent so I'm back to second guessing myself. Do I really have enough reason to leave my comfort zone. Lord knows I've dealt with enough change. I'm a very old person in a middle aged body!! Maybe that's why I prefer the company of my cat, my patients, my family and a very select group of friends. Not sure why people go overboard impressing other people when if you treat everyone with kindness life is amazing.

Well so let's see how I can keep myself motivated this next week. What should I do with myself? What part do socks play in my crazy Angel messages? I need to focus on something besides my heart. Anyone have any suggestions? I don't have enough energy to do anything besides work and sleep. It's time to stop dreaming of something that I can never have and just go with what I have!! So maybe moving isn't the answer today! Maybe I'm better of as the crazy old widow lady who scares the neighbor children with the evil eye!!

Everyone should be scared of me I really am crazy, socks move on there own in my house and it's March Madness so you do know the TV changes channels on its own! I really don't like basketball!! I don't need an anxiety attack!!

Ok I'm going to go put the socks in the drawer!! Maybe my message is the socks should be put away!! I'm not the laundry fanatic in this house. I'm good if it's clean and I get dressed out if the dryer!!

My Place in the Sun

It's one thirty in the morning and somehow this seems like a place to be. I can't believe in a little over a week five years will have passed. Today I made a huge leap to contact a real estate agent to schedule an appointment to put the house on the market. There are plenty of things to do before that happens but it just seems like it's time to take another step into the world of living forward.

I'm lost in my life but I have this amazing life I should care more about. I struggle each day to come to grips with the fact that is really is okay to always love Scott and the possibility of loving another. Scott has his box in my heart and that will never change but when you have feelings that you can't express for someone else - that just knocks me to my knees. I can only tell you how many prayers I've said. Then I look in the mirror and I don't even see the person Scott loved.

One of my patients the other day remarked how she felt stupid and unable to get herself back after her brain injury. I looked at her and said, "that is like me telling you I'm unlovable because I'm fat." She laughed and told me I'm the most beautiful person she knows and my heart is filled with love, kindness and compassion and anyone who doesn't see that doesn't deserve me. I told her it works that way for her too. She is smart, funny and has more artistic talent in her little finger than I could ever imagine. What would I do without my wonderful patients? They keep me going each day.

I was just playing with the computer and my google account when I found lists on my google drive that Scott and I had shared. Guests lists, to do lists, trip planning, honeymoon planning and tears filled my eyes. How is it possible to have so much love for someone who had his faults but is now only an Angel in my life? I can hear him telling me I'm on the right path. I can hear him telling me it's okay to have feelings, that he would expect nothing less and will never let anyone less than what I need be in my life. Those gut instincts must always be trusted. I still remember when decisions were made and conversations were had about where Scott and I needed to be for happiness. One day I looked at him and said, "do you want to live the rest of your life without me or do we take what moments God has given us and live life to the fullest?"

We all know how that worked out we just didn't happen to get very many moments but darn it if we didn't make the best of those moments. I wish the person I see in the mirror could say that again. I'm not as fragile as I was five years ago but life has given me panic about being brave enough to say things like that again. So here I am at 1:45am on a Monday night talking to a cat with my brain going 1000 miles an hour. I just keep hearing my own negative Nellie saying your not good enough to be anymore than what you currently have. I keep reminding myself I've walked so many steps forward, why can't I have more? Why can't someone see me for who I am on the inside not the sad, fat girl with a stupid disease on the outside?

So maybe this wasn't the best idea for me tonight but it allowed me to get the crap out of my head and walk forward again tomorrow. I've forgotten how much easier it is for me to write down where I am when I'm stuck in my own thoughts. How the words just flow from my fingers without a thought. Just like I do everyday with my patients, I focus on their needs without a second thought. I am where I'm supposed to be but Moose isn't always the best listener.

Working on finding my place in the sun....

Thoughts on a Plane

A trip to keep going. I'm not sure how it happens but I keep growing older. As I sit here on the airplane I wonder what my goals in life should be. Scott is gone, Hannah is going to college. I have thing to do to keep me busy but is it really enough?

My heart hurts with all of the loss but in the same breath my heart needs to give and receive.  I'm trying to make each day fulfilling but I'm not a person who does well being alone. I still don't understand the last three years and the events that I can't change. I know I'm not supposed to but my rational brain wants to understand why I'm not good enough to keep what other people have. 

I may not be skinny, young, beautiful and athletic but I do have a big heart that does hurt. I don't understand what is wrong with me. I have some really amazing friends but that's not enough. I miss the romance and love that was my life with Scott. I know he didn't die on purpose but I'm still mad at him. 

I still read trying to be rational and comprehend what my life is now but that isn't my life's plan I guess. I don't have it in me to impress others. What's the point anyway. I am who I am. All the good and bad in my life has brought me to this point 44 years later. I don't know if I will ever have it in my heart to put myself out there for a romantic relationship again. 

I still don't think in could even conceive holding hands and making plans for a future. I don't think I have it in me to be special in another's eyes. The other day I went into the jewelry store to pick up a gift. Those wonderful ladies always remind me how much Scott loved me. They keep telling me how our last pictures together shows how much life was right. 

I want to be where I'm happy again but I don't think I will ever get that reward again. I just get to be the sad, fat woman with MS who can't do anything for myself. I don't know why I having such thoughts on inadequacy but I am. I guess it's because I'm sitting next to this annoyingly happy couple on the plane. I just keep thinking I will never get to grow old with someone. I have to protect myself now and it's not very much fun. 

No one to text me all day long. No one to ask me a thousand crazy questions. No one to call Susan to tell her to make sure I don't overdo on our adventures. I've gotten really good at covering up the sadness but my heart hurts. The only got texts from five people for my birthday.  Granted I got to hug some people in person and a lot on Facebook but not a single phone call from even my Mom. I held on to my phone like a lifeline. I hate 'special' occasions these days. It's like I have to brace myself to hang on because its all never going to be right again. 

Stupid cute, skinny, happy couples who get to snuggle and make plans for the future. I'm sorry I'm such a downer but this is where my brain is after that flight. Now to return to the one person I love the most for a few hours before she heads to drum major camp for the week! I know I'm not the only one who is alone with these feelings but I hate feeling jealous of other people's happiness. Why don't I get to be happy that way? I feel cheated! 

Happy 3rd Anniversary!!

The moment you hope it's raining and thundering outside to fit your mood and it's only the recycling truck. It has been a long week and what seems like an even longer three years. 

Three years ago today I was supposed to walk down the aisle in my gown looking like the Princess Scott had decided I was to be into his waiting arms with Betsy officiating. Scott put this entire plan together. He made most of the decisions and I went along. How often do I have to say in my head, "I was right! We should have just gotten married on the beach in Hawaii." It doesn't change anything because that didn't happen. 

What really happened was my wonderful friend went to Lynne's house in MN. Susan and Betsy flew there to help take care of me in my fragile state. Everybody had gone to bed and Betsy took my rings in her hand and said, "I bless this union."  Then she held me while I sobbed in that gut wrenching nothing will ever be right cry. We did lots of things over the weekend and surprisingly I remember most of them. We spent the night at the casino for need of A/C. 

I had gone up to our rooms and somehow BA ended up there. She was a quiet voice of comfort. She pulled out a CD of photos from our trip in October where the gang got to meet Scott and asked if I was ready to see the pictures I'd never seen. She just let me cry my healing tears. 

We have talked at least once a week over the last three years. She always knew when to check up on me. I did the same for her. I can't help but think I forgot to call her last Wednesday. She would have called me today. She has been my closest friend and now she's gone. We have done so much together and I treasure every moment we spent together; Disneyland, Minnesota, DisneyWorld, Las Vegas, San Antonio, Denver...

Today I hope she is with Scott telling him she blessed our union and toasting with a glass of champagne. Today I will wear my rings for the day and treasure two lives ended too soon. Surround me with your light and love, guide me, protect me, show me the way. I love you Scott and Betsy. You both made my life better for having been in it. I will see you when it's my time but I know I still have a lot if life to live and others to love. I have to be here for my most important gift, Hannah. I want to see her graduate, go to college, graduate and become a grandma someday. I have more love to give. 

Without My Rings!!!

Well I guess a milestone has been reached. I left my engagement ring and diamond wedding band at Mom's house. I'm not freaked out. I didn't panic and make Hannah turn the car around and go get them. I miss them but I will survive without them on. I can't believe I'm saying this without tears rolling down my face. 

I miss him and the rings are a huge connection to him but I don't have to have them on. Maybe it is time to put them in the safe to be willed to Laynie when I join Scott. That was always the plan even when he was alive but I can't believe I'm okay with them going into the safe. 

I asked Mom to put them up until I get back there again. Huge step for me. Maybe it's time for more steps and I just didn't realize I was okay with new steps. I never thought I would not wear them. Sometimes I wear them in pieces. Just my wedding band or just the engagement ring but rarely do I forget them and certainly not for long periods of time. 

Yes, I guess I really am living forward into a life without Scott. I don't like it but I'm doing better then I ever imagined I would. I must be doing what he expects of me. I am stronger then I ever thought I would be  it just takes a small village to keep me going, surrounded by light and love. 

Marathoning Adventure

I miss him with every fiber of my heart in everything I do. I fake happy really well most of the time. There are times when I don't think about him at all. I volunteered at The Army Marathon a few weeks ago and for the first time I was happy as me. It was something new. Something I've never done or experienced before. I did something for a friend because they didn't know they needed the help. I was just me. For the first time in three years I was me. What do you say to someone who helps you and makes your life a little brighter if only for a moment? I will never be able to repay those s people in my life. 

Before I went in to volunteer I had a panic attack. I almost didn't go. I'm not a self centered person but I was too afraid to get out of my car and walk into a new world but with a lot of encouragement from another friend I did. Treating my patients for work is easy but Scott never leaves me. I explain at least once a day to a patient when they ask if I'm married that the man I love died in a car accident. They all share their condolences and tell me I need company to keep or I will marry again. I don't know that yet if ever. I do know that even in the joy of my life with Hannah I still miss Scott. I didn't miss him when I was busy helping other in a task that had nothing to do with him. 

I miss him when I travel, I miss him at football games, I missed him driving H and the gang around for Prom yesterday. The moments when I can picture him with me is when it hurts but I smile and keep going. I don't know how or why but I'm now helping with the planning of next year's The Army Marathon. Friday night I sat at a table like a fish out of water. I don't belong. What does a fat, sad, pathetic person who can't get over her husband dying have to offer? I don't run, I can't run but yet there I was. How did that become the one place I was truly happy and felt like myself for the first time in three years? 

I can't handle even putting my craft room back together after the flood. I've considered leaving it all boxed up and giving it away. The place Scott gave me. The scrap toys he would surprise me with all the time. He never complained when I bought paper. He would find some to add to the mix. He wanted to be a part of something I loved yet it makes me cry. I'm addicted to football and being the commish of the league but it makes me miss him. Yet I hate to exercise and find myself smiling and cheering for people that do. 

Is this an ok place for me to be? Why am I drawn there? What is it about doing something I've never done make me feel happy. Was it the look of joy on my friend's face watching it all unfold or was it some selfish reason inside of me? Do I need to hide from this world and start over somewhere completely new? Do I need to continue to face my own grief and find the little moments I'm happy? Why do I need to help my friends? I can answer that easily!! They have saved me and not even known it. 

Only a handful of people know this but I think you deserve to know!! A few weeks/months ago I checked myself into our local mental institution. I was beyond sad. I was done with my life and needed help. They didn't help. They tried to give me drugs for OCD. I had to help myself. I have to be here for Hannah. I couldn't let her down or the few that made sure I knew I was loved. Crazy as it may seem the people who matter the most reached out. I can't let them down!! 

Now I'm trying to figure out how not to let myself down. Life is still upside down for me. Maybe this is the new normal but I'm still not comfortable in my own skin. I still only see the sad, fat pathetic woman whose life is just a shell. How do I accept that I was asked to keep helping at this new experience because I really am wonderful? I really do have a gift to share or do I just accept that my prayers are being answered and I really am surrounded by light and love. That I am being guided and protected and shown the way.