No Games

“The heart is the inner face of your life. 
The human journey strives to make this inner face beautiful. 
It is here that love gathers within you. 
Love is absolutely vital for a human life. 
For love alone can awaken what is divine within you. 
In love, you grow and come home to your self. 
When you learn to love and let yourself be loved, 
you come home to the hearth of your own spirit.
You are warm and sheltered.” 
~ John O'Donohue


Words are stuck again. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with myself for letting my heart think its ok to live again. When I do I end up sad and regretting things I can't change. With Scott I always knew where I stood. He never hid his feelings for me. He tried in front of others but they always knew. People still remind me how much he loves me. I miss that special feeling. I miss having someone who looks at me and the world is right. I should say I miss someone who admits I matter to them. 

The girls at work have been giving me a hard time. They keep saying I should just give in and at least go out with Disney Dissing Dude. "you have to try to get to the right one!" Well that has never been my personality. It just seems like I know when I enjoy being around someone. Tim, yes he has a name, thinks we have the perfect connection because our kids are the same age. He texts and I answer. He calls I don't answer. He has now asked me out eleven times. I keep saying no. I hate hurting other peoples feelings but if we can't be friends first, why should I get someone else's hopes up. You know I have lots of friends that are guys. I enjoy hanging out with them. Scott's friends are my brothers now, my protectors. 

There are two or three of my guy friends (not Scott's buddies) who are single that I would gladly spend more time with. I'd have to move for two of them but that's not where my life is right now. Just having someone around that can share the guy point of view without romantic involvement would be great. Tim, keeps telling me I'm a good catch. I don't want to be caught. I'm not running a marathon to dating. I don't know if marriage will ever be right but I'm tired of people assuming things. It is okay for me to still have my crush. It is okay to "just be friends" even when the other person makes you confused. I am who I am. I'm not willing to play games or bend who I am or where I am. 

Two years is a long time but my heart still hurts. My mind still swarms with memories of what happiness feels like. Two years ago we were supposed to meet friends at the Japanese steakhouse. We missed them but we still had a great time together. Scott was my best friend. He understood when I needed to laugh. It is okay for someone else to make me laugh. It doesn't hurt. I doesn't make me sad. It is okay to miss your friends, male and female. I'm not ready for more then that because the thought of holding hands or kissing someone else makes me run. My heart wants those things but it still hurts. I can't put myself there yet because I am not in a position to handle rejection. I can't play games. I won't play games. I've learned to much about love and when done right has the power to make you soar.

I have plans for the next few days. There are some who know but I'm not ready to share with everyone just yet. This year I'm still fighting my tears. When I need to I manage my sadness with my meds. I know that I have to celebrate Scott. So he and I have plans. My sweet Angel is never far away when I need him. I tried to make plans alone but because I have great friends in my life who don't think that's the best idea. Yes, I will be kept busy and with just the thing Scott would have loved to do. Another point on our bucket list. 

Tonight I'm comforted with my memories. The person I asked to tell me something funny fell down on the job today. That's ok we all have our lives to live. I have to keep growing on my own before I can learn to soar again. Surround me with you light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. 

Ice Cream Drive

“If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; 
be kind anyway. 
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; 
succeed anyway. 
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; 
be honest and frank anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway…
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa


I'm better today. Well maybe a bit of a lie in there too. I sat in my really dark grey office with not all the lights on this morning and the tears just poured down my face. Crying is an emotional need just as laughing. I texted my BFF from college, Crystal. She walked me through my moment with the promise of ice cream and a drive around the lake. I do believe I have found what I'm doing for my next trip. I have a bunch of people that would love to see that trip happen. Since I'm still not allowed to travel to any location and be completely alone. You see I do know I have people who love me and what the best things in life for me.


I still have a rollercoaster of emotions but I don't think that is ever going to change. I can, however, continue to ask for help and be open to the laughter. I can accept the people in my life who want to be here for me. Even the ones I don't think I deserve or the ones I don't realize how much they really care. I have to remember that I must face my life with kindness and honesty. There will be good days and bad days. There will always be someone in my life who wants me there, even if I don't recognize the signs. Sometimes, I'm just like a guy. You have to just spell it out for me because I'm so clueless. 


I think God and the other side are doing that right now as I sit here on the patio enjoying the beautiful evening. My Cardinal has returned and hopefully soon my Bluejay will be close by. The outside world has been a wet mess. The skies have cried with me over the last few days. It was like this two years ago so much rain. I always wonder how my life would be different if the pond hadn't been full. He would have survived. I would have found him but now here I am. Enjoying the flowers and songs of the birds. Seeing new life all around me. I get that some day soon right? I get my own new spring. I get to have that person who wants to call me first? Who wants me to know the silly things that happen in their day? Who likes to know that my voice makes them smile? I can survive this time of year. It will just keep coming. I have to have my ways to cope. I have to open my arms and my heart. It is the right thing to do!

Positive - TOMORROW!

Sometimes it is a moment that makes all the wrong in the world fade, even for a brief moment in time. The last two days have been that for me. You see I have been able to use my skills and knowledge to help make a difference in two very special people's lives. I wish everyday was this rewarding. It is also this type of day I wish I had the person in my life who appreciated the little victories and understood what it meant to use the things I learned in continuing ed and apply it effectively. 

I have the people I work with and we share the joys. However, I'm so used to the person I'm with all the time just getting me and not needing to explain what I do. I miss being able to celebrate. The flip side of the coin is when I have a day that I need to work through the struggles and the person just isn't there! I have some wonderful friends but I'm angry again. I'm angry that I have to struggle and celebrate alone. I'm angry with where I am. I'm tired of faking it. It really doesn't get me anywhere. Until you have walked this path you can say all you want but faking it doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make the person you like the most return. It doesn't make something wonderful happen.

I'm trying to keep living forward and keep saying my prayer. I live but is it really a life? I keep hanging onto what I have left that matters but it's not so easy when that is slipping away too. She doesn't need me. She has her own life, her own transportation and her own life to live forward. The only way I get to see her is kidnap her for vacation or ground her from her freedoms when she thinks she is more independent then she really is. I want magic in my life but it went away. 

I talk about loving another but that's just words. There are times when I think I'm really going to be here alone  talking to myself and the cats. Making it through each day with the fake smile, living in the small victories but wishing for the past. He can tell me all he wants that I will have something wonderful but what does that really mean? Do I have to wait for our castle in the sky? Do I have to settle for the Disney Dissing Dude? He continues to be rather persistent. At least someone thinks I'm worth the time. I finally asked why he puts up with me. He said he's not in a hurry and I'm worth waiting for. Okay sounds like a line to me. I just want someone who tells me the truth. Who loves me for who I am and doesn't care that I am a little round in the midsection. The person who is willing to leap with me and not just say all the right words. I want the person who shares in my life and doesn't need me to make all the decisions. I want my partner in crime back. 

The teacher who made the most impact on my life used to say, "Grumble, grumble, gripe, gripe, Grrr!" She passed away last year. I have to agree this is where I am today! My rollercoaster of emotions! Two years really isn't that long in the parts of my life. I'm going to try to be positive - TOMORROW!

Tattoo On My Heart

Tattoo's on my life. That is what we have. It is a country song I heard on the radio tonight. I didn't bother looking to see the artist because I'm sure it will play again. I was exhausted when I came home this evening. I laid down and before I know it the time had passed. I had the moments of a very real visiting. I have to be very descriptive because I could feel him. I don't mean feel his presence but felt him, the real him.

In my alternate world Hannah and I were in my bathroom. I walked into my bedroom and he was there with Simba. He looked at me and said, "We were just checking on you! You weren't supposed to see us!" He then walked out the door onto the patio. Then turned around walked back in and said to me, "I can't just leave and not have you in my arms." He kissed me and held me. He told me he is "always close and never leaves me for long. We will be together again because this isn't the end of our story. You are on the right path and there is something wonderful about to happen for you." There was more to the dream but those words are what have stuck with me

You know there is something so very powerful in those moments. I would never in a million years be able to write the feelings this moment created for me. I have so many feelings going on in my heart right now. I miss Scott. His love his my tattoo. I don't need an ink one to know I have the one on my heart.

When I woke up the Disney Dissing Dude had called and left a message. I still haven't listened to the message. He just doesn't get I don't need to be pushed. I have explained three times this is the hardest time of the year for me. Next week is coming. It is really hard not to look at the calendar and just dread the days. I can't stand the Easter commercials and all the things in the store. I still have my Easter bunny containers for the chocolate he gave me. Two of them to be exact. If I can't get rid of those how can I have the energy to worry about someone who doesn't know me at all? So I'm trying to not be rude. I'm not the best catch in the world. I'm so damaged that whomever is my right place has to take me with all my quirks and craziness.

So here we go next week is going to happen so I will just keep living forward. I can make this and will celebrate the man who taught me to be myself and love with all my heart. I have been smiling and working into each new day just as I should be! So tonight I have to continue with my prayer, surround me with my light and love, guide me protect me, show me the way. I will find the right place at the right time.

Have you ever...?

Have you ever!!! Laughed until you cried, loved with all your heart, yelled at the person you love, slammed a door so hard the house shook and with one smile the world was right for someone else? 

I've done them all just not recently. Today I hired someone to do the work in the yard I'm unable to do. Scott hired the last one but he just wasn't doing what I asked him to do. We shall see if this works. I wish I were independently wealthy and could work in my yard all day or do as I pleased. Since that isn't happening I must make some concessions to living in a house that is soon to be alone. I miss out on so much that is life I enjoy by hiring things done but I don't have much of choice. There are just some things that are meant to be enjoyed together. But I still get to use the riding lawnmower - yeehaw! 

I enjoyed my travels on the road this weekend. It gave me time to reflect on my journeys and travels with Scott. All the places we had been and the things he encouraged me to do and become. It is because of my life experiences that I have become more patient with some parts of my life. I have things that still bother me and I want fixed immediately but that isn't happening so I've had to learn to stop and refocus my priorities. Hannah has always been that for me but I also have to take care of myself. I can only do things with the time I've been given. 

I don't expect perfection in my life. I have given myself permission to be selective in the tasks I must complete and conserve my physical strength on the ones that are most important to where I am in my life. The chair may still be filled with clean clothes or dishes in the sink but did I just spend an evening out on the patio with Hannah making memories! You bet I did. Will we always remember the time the giant toad croaked in the pool and we were both afraid to lift him out? Of course we will!! I enjoy the moments listening to the crickets chirp! The june bugs buzzing and the water bubbling in the pool. We don't ever have to say a word but just being together builds bonds. 

Just as I remember the large turtles Scott and I caught in the pool along with numerous garden snakes. Then sitting on the edge of the pool with our feet dipped in the water laughing, loving and planning our future. I may not have reached the future we dreamed but isn't most of the fun the journey. In my mind I will always see us being married in the castle and the reception in my parents backyard. In my heart I got to wear my dress just to see the love in his eyes. There will be those moments that will go just as planned and then those where the love will be in the moments between awake and sleep where the dreams are remembered. 

I have new dreams now. I have new wishes now. The time will arrive when those will put me just where I'm supposed to be. Until then I will feel all the love in my heart for the moments at hand knowing that Scott will always be close by sharing in my life. The music never lets me forget. 

"But you went away 
How dare you
I miss you
They say I'll be okay
But I'm not going to ever get over you" - chorus to Miranda Lambert's song OVER YOU

One day at a time I will continue to live forward in each new moment of memories. I can and will always have my times of grief and sorrow but laughter brings me closer each day to new love in my life!!

Neck Massage Recruits

I'm so tired. A workshop on what basically breaks down to facial massage. Now I just happen to know my partner in the workshop. I didn't know she would be here and haven't seen her in years but once again divine intervention. We've had a great time except she found a lump in my neck. Great just why I need to go see the MD again. Kyle is going to love seeing me. I did warn him I was prone to unusual stuff!!! 

Now when I return I will be seeking practice dummies oh I mean volunteers to practice my face and neck massage techniques on. Be warned you may be drafted. It actually feels great. I was so relaxed with the practice labs this afternoon I came back and took a nap. I was dreading this trip but it has been nice to hang out in the room and rest. I'm making progress on Mickey circles for the afghan I'm making while listening to the jets fly out overhead. I'd rather be on the jet to FIJI but that will happen. 

Disney dissing dude keeps texting almost like he's trying to use his sales rep techniques on me. I hate to tell him I'm smarter then that. I don't need to buy any furniture for the church. I struggle stepping in one still!!  I don't want someone who has to sell me on them. I'm wise to those techniques! I'm beyond my college years - hehe! Crystal not a word about my secrets from college. I don't want to be part of someone's admiration society. I deserve to be more in someone's life! I'm keeping my own personal rules and standards. 

Okay back to practicing massage on myself! This is a time Scott would have been happy to let me practice. He wouldn't let me put the electrodes on him to practice way back when but I can hear him now. He'd be helping me name all those throat muscles. Maybe a visit in my dreams will make this all so much easier. Off to the big comfy lonely king sized bed. Pillows just don't hug very well but I know what I want and I won't settle for anything less!!!

Peaceful Journey

“There are four questions of value in life... What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living "for, and what is worth dying for?
The answer to each is same. Only Լ❤ƔЄ...ღ.”
― Johnny Depp


I've been dreading traveling again this weekend. I'm not sure why but I don't really feel like being alone. There are several different paths to take to make the journey to Houston. Today I dawdled packing. I'm not sure why. Then I sat in the driveway thinking, "which way to I want to go?". I just finally started driving with my own mental turn by turn in my head. It sure felt like Scott. I ended up going a way he always talked about driving when we were to go down for our beach engagement photos. It was like he was with me. Strange I know if you don't believe in that sixth sense but I had an overwhelming sensation of not being alone. I could hear him pointing out the sights and all if the patches of wildflowers. You know it is a requirement if you are educated in Texas to know them all! I've got the bluebonnets down!! I just wasn't alone today. Very odd feeling at times but it was very peaceful.

As I was driving I had sudden memories of a good ol Sunday drive with my great aunts. They are all in heaven too but I will always treasure them. It's funny because the first trip Scott and I took together was to a conference workshop for me. It took us forever to get to Dallas because we wound our way around the Texas countryside with a stop at every place he had ever lived. I miss my best friend and companion. He made the most of his alone time and together we had great evenings. I believe! Those powerful feelings of presence and the magic of the music make it impossible for anyone to ever convince me I'm wrong.

Then there were the White Toyota Tundras that always seemed to be behind me! Really! The trip is 189 miles and for about 110 of them multiple Tundras behind me, beside me or in front of me. At one point three of them at once! I guess I have to put aside my panic and feel the spiritual side of my being. Love is the most powerful pull in the universe. So here I am in the giant king sized bed watching Basketball on the TV alone. I HATE basketball! It stresses me out. Yet it was Scott's other love - March Madness. I rarely turn on the TV in a hotel room but tonight it was the voice again. Lately the presence has not been so often but today very strong. I'm not upset, I'm not sad or crying. I just feel very much at peace. I'm just going to keep listening with my heart! It's never wrong! Sometimes the moments of just knowing make life so much easier. So now it's time for the KU game! Go Jayhawks, if my heart can take the stress!