Life is Fleeting

There are good moments and bad moments that take your breath away. I just happen to spend more time on the good moments most days. I know I vented yesterday because I had a rough day to begin with and I was at a point where I backed away from the world and I was finally a bit better. I guess you could say I put myself into time out. I had to deal with a few pea sized brains today but all in all the end of the day was certainly better then the day before. I perked myself up. I got myself to a point that I felt better and I talked about what was bothering me to the person that unintentionally upset me (I'm at fault too!!).

I know there will forever be things that pop up that remind me of Scott. I can deal with those things, junk mail, a song, a smell, a Texas country boy phrase. I really am happy again. I really do flirt with Tim on the phone and via texts he just doesn't interest me from a dating standpoint. I can never have enough friends!!! Even today Rhonda and I were talking about what would make me feel better. The good or bad thing, however you look at it, is that I'm not a party girl so it will take the right person for me to reach that point.

When I got home tonight I sat with Hannah and we talked about her day. I'm very proud of her. She got commended on all four of her TAKS tests with a perfect score on the Science exam. That also means she will not have to take her finals so she has one more day of the school year left. She is so very grown up. We talked about 9/11 and how it effected our lives on the day. I told her what I was doing and where she was. She had tears in her eyes as she described the movie they watched in history today. She told me it was so sad to watch but she felt a great sense of pride in learning all the facts she was to young to know at the time. I'm so glad she has that great big heart!

As I was sitting on her bed the doorbell rang. It was her Dad for her usual Thursday night dinner. Most of the time they go alone but sometimes I go along. I was going tonight just because I like spending time with Hannah as her Mom and Dad. She knows how much we love her and we get to give her the knowledge that we love her enough to focus on her. As I went to answer the door I grabbed yesterday's mail off the bar. We all went back into Hannah's room and as we were talking I sorted and opened the junk mail. Not a single bill - but that mammogram notice made me cringe. I flipped over an envelope that looked official for Scott, not just the usual junk I can toss, so I opened it. Zap no you can't be happy because you have to read this. It was like I had been dropped on my head and rolled over with a bulldozer. Hannah took it from me and read it. She got quiet and didn't know what to say. I handed it to Mike. He started to not return it but I took it back from him and snapped the picture. I'm not sure why. I guess because it was so strange.

I'm glad I did because posting it on FB gave me an outlet. I know from living through all of this, without dealing with my baggage it just keeps growing and weighing me down. The end result was a dear friend knowing how to fix it without me calling, screaming, yelling or needing to hide in my bed. I thank her very much for being the right person to see it. I also thank my other friends for feeling for me. I was numb. I didn't know what emotion I was supposed to have. Now the Sirrus envelope addressed to Scott telling him they could help him "be live again" was just too much because if they can do that I would pay all the rest of my checks. Although, now that I think about it, isn't the music how Scott communicates with me the most. Maybe I do need to hear that message, no matter how painful.

I am proud of myself for not being so fragile anymore. I do know one major way I have changed. My friend that upset me yesterday (yes I'm at fault too) we talked. I'm better but I am afraid to be mad at people I care about now. I'm afraid to lose anyone else because I allow my mad feelings to take me away to thinking I will have someone else leave me. I don't know how I feel about being so different. It makes me almost afraid to speak my mind because of how upset I got with Scott and then he died. I always have to go back to his final words to me, "It's okay! I love you!" So I have to know it is okay to not see eye to eye with someone I care about. It is good for me to say we can still be hurt or upset by others but "It's okay! I love you!" should be said to everyone we care about. The thing Scott always new and understood was I'm like the weather in TX, give me a minute and I'll be all bright and sunny again.

Life is fleeting. There is no reason to walk around grumpy or angry. I will fix what I can in my life and keep living forward. Now if there is a way to have Scott take the job he was sent a flyer about in yesterday's mail, make up to 90,000 a year,  bring it on. He isn't so expensive these days - the bill for toilet paper alone now pays the water bill!

Angry at Batman!!!

My anger has reared it's ugly head. I've gone through an entire grief cycle tonight all because of a stupid comment made by someone I care about. I really wish I could live my life without my heart. To not need anyone but that's not who I am. Why do I let myself feel again? Why can't I just be numb? 

 I've had a rough day to begin with. Getting up at 4 am to go to a meeting to be blamed for everything that is wrong with the budget in my facility. That required driving two hours to meet my boss and two others, then driving another two hours to get where we were going for a two hour meeting, followed by reversing the process to get home. That all equals a rough day with a conversation thrown into the mix that made me question so much again.  I got home and sat in the driveway crying. I haven't done that for months.

I tried to bury myself in my room but my phone had a mind of its own. Then all the rest of the emotions started. Now I am angry and I can't take it out on the right person so I'm back to Scott. He's been here all day. I can feel him. This morning in the early morning light of the bathroom I swear I saw him. Tonight I cried several times watching idol. You wouldn't believe multiple times were over commercials. Darn Batman!!! Our things keep popping up.  Now I'm angry and I found myself starting to take it out on Hannah because she is trying to cook and is just making a mess. I had to leave the room.

I'm sitting here cursing Scott for leaving our not so perfect life. If I had a wild side I can see how it would be possible to try to lose yourself in all the bad stuff. Is it so bad to think I'm worth it? Maybe I do just need to finish the upgrades to the house so when H graduates I can move. I hear she is touring Missouri State in June. I could really move home to a place where my world could just start over. I feel like I'm never given a say in my life. I don't get what I want. I'm not sure I have the patience to wait.  So H is with her Dad tomorrow evening, maybe it is time to give Tim a chance. Maybe there is a possibility that talking on the phone isn't his thing. Or maybe tonight I have to much baggage and to many open wounds to make an informed decision. Maybe I'm into exhaustion. When I'm tired or hungry I'm not the most rational person.

 I just wish my heart didn't hurt so bad because of such a jumble of things that happened today. Why don't I get to be happy the way I want t be. I'm not a person who enjoys being miserable. I generally try to keep my smile going. I just need someone to hug me and hold me and tell me I'm worth it!!!

Princess Pin-Up Girl

Once again I haven't blogged for a while. It just seems like I'm never sure what to say and then I end up in a rut with repeating myself. So I will tell you about the latest journey that no matter the outcome of the photographs it made me feel better about myself! I needed a big dose of that.

There is thing that happens when you lose your "mate." Well, at least for me it did. After Scott died I lost weight and lost weight because eating made me sick. It was stress and nerves. Somewhere in the mix of the last two years I have figured out how to eat. The sad part is I don't eat very healthy because I have developed what seems to me to be an eating disorder. I can go for long periods of time and not eat but then when I'm hungry I crave only my comfort foods. I have always been a very picky eater but it just keeps getting worse. I would live on cereal bars, water, chocolate cupcakes and Mexican food if anyone would let me. I have gained all the weight back. I still can't go to the grocery store and if I do cook I won't eat it after I've fixed it. Sounds like I need to call in my friendly dietitician friends. So in all of this I'm fighting my body image. I miss being told I'm cute and beautiful. I just don't feel it anymore. I know my self worth isn't based on what other's think of me but when the person you love (besides your kids and parents) is gone so quickly the world shifts into this unknown twilight zone. I know sometimes I don't make the most sense but this is my reality.

So let me get beyond my own grief once again into my journey of trying to live forward. Several months ago there was a segment on our local news that caught my eye. I don't watch the news! I can't stand it! I think it is the root of all that is wrong with our world today (enough of my political thoughts). So I for me to stop and purposely watch the news I felt I had a message to hear. It just happened to be about a Pin-up Portrait Studio in Killeen, TX. For my friends not close it is where Ft. Hood Army Base is located. The news story was amazing. Sharing about woman who choose to look glamorous for a variety of different reasons. At that moment all I could think about was Scott. He would have loved to see me do something like that for him. I don't have that option anymore. I don't have a guy in my life who would love for me to give them a gift of myself. I made the decision to do this for myself.

I have become a different, stronger, more able person. I have had a week that I have had to take care of myself. I bought four new tires for my car (with a bit of help from Mike). I dealt with my minor car accident without panic and reinstalled my poor sad license plate all by myself - it was the only thing damaged on my car. I also came home to the frozen a/c unit. I wanted to sit in the floor and cry but I didn't. I went into action and fixed the frozen a/c all by my lonesome. I found where ants are coming into my living room and I caulked around a window at midnight last night with my beautiful manicure at risk. I am living forward. I can take care of myself. I don't require a man to take care of me. What I do need is my best friend, my love, my life partner to enjoy life with me.

The photo shoot became even more strongly communicated when she started doing Disney Princess Pin Ups. Now we all know I am BriarRose. I could feel the pull from Scott urging me to do this for me. I talked to the girls at work about going with me. They do party packages and what a better way to have fun! Everyone said no except for my friend, Lacie. So I made the appointment and got the ball rolling. Today was the day we picked several weeks ago. During this time the pictures the photographer has been doing for other gals in their Disney costumes began appearing.

I found what I wanted to wear or so I thought. The first dress didn't work for me. Being well endowed is not easy but you work with what you got. I sent the dress back and found a new one. It was perfect. Add a white apron and I looked like Aurora went back to the forest to be a princess in her Briar Rose persona! So this morning we made the journey to Killeen. We had our hair and makeup done professionally. I wore my wedding tiara for the very first time. I knew it was the right thing to do. I got to be a princess today, just the grown up version. I got to feel sexy and confident. I am wearing false eyelashes for the very first time!! I have the West Side Story song going through my head - "I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!"

I made it back to the band banquet in time for the awards. I loved the look on Hannah's face when she saw my face. She keeps telling me how cute I look. Maybe now I can find my a way to continue my self-confidence. I'm home now alone in my kitty filled world watching television on the DVR but I'm still in full make up. The tiara is off but I know I can't and won't be this way forever. I have to keep living forward. Now it will be up to fourteen days before the photo's arrive but I will think about sharing! I'm not sure yet. Now if they would entice a few broken rules it might be worth it - someday! For now you will just have to settle for the after effects that made it to the pictures at the band banquet!!

No Games

“The heart is the inner face of your life. 
The human journey strives to make this inner face beautiful. 
It is here that love gathers within you. 
Love is absolutely vital for a human life. 
For love alone can awaken what is divine within you. 
In love, you grow and come home to your self. 
When you learn to love and let yourself be loved, 
you come home to the hearth of your own spirit.
You are warm and sheltered.” 
~ John O'Donohue


Words are stuck again. I'm angry with myself. I'm angry with myself for letting my heart think its ok to live again. When I do I end up sad and regretting things I can't change. With Scott I always knew where I stood. He never hid his feelings for me. He tried in front of others but they always knew. People still remind me how much he loves me. I miss that special feeling. I miss having someone who looks at me and the world is right. I should say I miss someone who admits I matter to them. 

The girls at work have been giving me a hard time. They keep saying I should just give in and at least go out with Disney Dissing Dude. "you have to try to get to the right one!" Well that has never been my personality. It just seems like I know when I enjoy being around someone. Tim, yes he has a name, thinks we have the perfect connection because our kids are the same age. He texts and I answer. He calls I don't answer. He has now asked me out eleven times. I keep saying no. I hate hurting other peoples feelings but if we can't be friends first, why should I get someone else's hopes up. You know I have lots of friends that are guys. I enjoy hanging out with them. Scott's friends are my brothers now, my protectors. 

There are two or three of my guy friends (not Scott's buddies) who are single that I would gladly spend more time with. I'd have to move for two of them but that's not where my life is right now. Just having someone around that can share the guy point of view without romantic involvement would be great. Tim, keeps telling me I'm a good catch. I don't want to be caught. I'm not running a marathon to dating. I don't know if marriage will ever be right but I'm tired of people assuming things. It is okay for me to still have my crush. It is okay to "just be friends" even when the other person makes you confused. I am who I am. I'm not willing to play games or bend who I am or where I am. 

Two years is a long time but my heart still hurts. My mind still swarms with memories of what happiness feels like. Two years ago we were supposed to meet friends at the Japanese steakhouse. We missed them but we still had a great time together. Scott was my best friend. He understood when I needed to laugh. It is okay for someone else to make me laugh. It doesn't hurt. I doesn't make me sad. It is okay to miss your friends, male and female. I'm not ready for more then that because the thought of holding hands or kissing someone else makes me run. My heart wants those things but it still hurts. I can't put myself there yet because I am not in a position to handle rejection. I can't play games. I won't play games. I've learned to much about love and when done right has the power to make you soar.

I have plans for the next few days. There are some who know but I'm not ready to share with everyone just yet. This year I'm still fighting my tears. When I need to I manage my sadness with my meds. I know that I have to celebrate Scott. So he and I have plans. My sweet Angel is never far away when I need him. I tried to make plans alone but because I have great friends in my life who don't think that's the best idea. Yes, I will be kept busy and with just the thing Scott would have loved to do. Another point on our bucket list. 

Tonight I'm comforted with my memories. The person I asked to tell me something funny fell down on the job today. That's ok we all have our lives to live. I have to keep growing on my own before I can learn to soar again. Surround me with you light and love, guide me, protect me and show me the way. 

Ice Cream Drive

“If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; 
be kind anyway. 
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; 
succeed anyway. 
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; 
be honest and frank anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway…
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa


I'm better today. Well maybe a bit of a lie in there too. I sat in my really dark grey office with not all the lights on this morning and the tears just poured down my face. Crying is an emotional need just as laughing. I texted my BFF from college, Crystal. She walked me through my moment with the promise of ice cream and a drive around the lake. I do believe I have found what I'm doing for my next trip. I have a bunch of people that would love to see that trip happen. Since I'm still not allowed to travel to any location and be completely alone. You see I do know I have people who love me and what the best things in life for me.


I still have a rollercoaster of emotions but I don't think that is ever going to change. I can, however, continue to ask for help and be open to the laughter. I can accept the people in my life who want to be here for me. Even the ones I don't think I deserve or the ones I don't realize how much they really care. I have to remember that I must face my life with kindness and honesty. There will be good days and bad days. There will always be someone in my life who wants me there, even if I don't recognize the signs. Sometimes, I'm just like a guy. You have to just spell it out for me because I'm so clueless. 


I think God and the other side are doing that right now as I sit here on the patio enjoying the beautiful evening. My Cardinal has returned and hopefully soon my Bluejay will be close by. The outside world has been a wet mess. The skies have cried with me over the last few days. It was like this two years ago so much rain. I always wonder how my life would be different if the pond hadn't been full. He would have survived. I would have found him but now here I am. Enjoying the flowers and songs of the birds. Seeing new life all around me. I get that some day soon right? I get my own new spring. I get to have that person who wants to call me first? Who wants me to know the silly things that happen in their day? Who likes to know that my voice makes them smile? I can survive this time of year. It will just keep coming. I have to have my ways to cope. I have to open my arms and my heart. It is the right thing to do!

Positive - TOMORROW!

Sometimes it is a moment that makes all the wrong in the world fade, even for a brief moment in time. The last two days have been that for me. You see I have been able to use my skills and knowledge to help make a difference in two very special people's lives. I wish everyday was this rewarding. It is also this type of day I wish I had the person in my life who appreciated the little victories and understood what it meant to use the things I learned in continuing ed and apply it effectively. 

I have the people I work with and we share the joys. However, I'm so used to the person I'm with all the time just getting me and not needing to explain what I do. I miss being able to celebrate. The flip side of the coin is when I have a day that I need to work through the struggles and the person just isn't there! I have some wonderful friends but I'm angry again. I'm angry that I have to struggle and celebrate alone. I'm angry with where I am. I'm tired of faking it. It really doesn't get me anywhere. Until you have walked this path you can say all you want but faking it doesn't make the pain go away. It doesn't make the person you like the most return. It doesn't make something wonderful happen.

I'm trying to keep living forward and keep saying my prayer. I live but is it really a life? I keep hanging onto what I have left that matters but it's not so easy when that is slipping away too. She doesn't need me. She has her own life, her own transportation and her own life to live forward. The only way I get to see her is kidnap her for vacation or ground her from her freedoms when she thinks she is more independent then she really is. I want magic in my life but it went away. 

I talk about loving another but that's just words. There are times when I think I'm really going to be here alone  talking to myself and the cats. Making it through each day with the fake smile, living in the small victories but wishing for the past. He can tell me all he wants that I will have something wonderful but what does that really mean? Do I have to wait for our castle in the sky? Do I have to settle for the Disney Dissing Dude? He continues to be rather persistent. At least someone thinks I'm worth the time. I finally asked why he puts up with me. He said he's not in a hurry and I'm worth waiting for. Okay sounds like a line to me. I just want someone who tells me the truth. Who loves me for who I am and doesn't care that I am a little round in the midsection. The person who is willing to leap with me and not just say all the right words. I want the person who shares in my life and doesn't need me to make all the decisions. I want my partner in crime back. 

The teacher who made the most impact on my life used to say, "Grumble, grumble, gripe, gripe, Grrr!" She passed away last year. I have to agree this is where I am today! My rollercoaster of emotions! Two years really isn't that long in the parts of my life. I'm going to try to be positive - TOMORROW!

Tattoo On My Heart

Tattoo's on my life. That is what we have. It is a country song I heard on the radio tonight. I didn't bother looking to see the artist because I'm sure it will play again. I was exhausted when I came home this evening. I laid down and before I know it the time had passed. I had the moments of a very real visiting. I have to be very descriptive because I could feel him. I don't mean feel his presence but felt him, the real him.

In my alternate world Hannah and I were in my bathroom. I walked into my bedroom and he was there with Simba. He looked at me and said, "We were just checking on you! You weren't supposed to see us!" He then walked out the door onto the patio. Then turned around walked back in and said to me, "I can't just leave and not have you in my arms." He kissed me and held me. He told me he is "always close and never leaves me for long. We will be together again because this isn't the end of our story. You are on the right path and there is something wonderful about to happen for you." There was more to the dream but those words are what have stuck with me

You know there is something so very powerful in those moments. I would never in a million years be able to write the feelings this moment created for me. I have so many feelings going on in my heart right now. I miss Scott. His love his my tattoo. I don't need an ink one to know I have the one on my heart.

When I woke up the Disney Dissing Dude had called and left a message. I still haven't listened to the message. He just doesn't get I don't need to be pushed. I have explained three times this is the hardest time of the year for me. Next week is coming. It is really hard not to look at the calendar and just dread the days. I can't stand the Easter commercials and all the things in the store. I still have my Easter bunny containers for the chocolate he gave me. Two of them to be exact. If I can't get rid of those how can I have the energy to worry about someone who doesn't know me at all? So I'm trying to not be rude. I'm not the best catch in the world. I'm so damaged that whomever is my right place has to take me with all my quirks and craziness.

So here we go next week is going to happen so I will just keep living forward. I can make this and will celebrate the man who taught me to be myself and love with all my heart. I have been smiling and working into each new day just as I should be! So tonight I have to continue with my prayer, surround me with my light and love, guide me protect me, show me the way. I will find the right place at the right time.