Dimes

Dimes

I've been trying to find one thing each day to be thankful for in November. I don't want to do the usual I want them to have special meaning for me to enrich my life and fill my heart with mending and purpose. I look at it as an assignment to help my spirit grow and my my faith stronger. 

This month has been very stressful at work. It is a very large case of who moved my cheese and I'm trying to not be frustrated or upset with all the stuff I have to deal with each day. Needless to say Medicare and the government aren't really saving money they have just moved it around to the fiscal intermediaries instead of helping patients they are denying services. Enough about that I'm trying to stay focused on helping my patients with the ever shrinking tools. So in each day I breathe and try to smile. 

Right after Scott died I started finding dimes in the craziest places where they shouldn't be; the bathroom in the tub, an empty suitcase I pulled out of the closet, in my shoe one morning. I'm not kidding. It is one of those things I don't talk about I just smile and say hello, my love. The dimes still happen but not very often until two weeks ago when my stress levels jumped. 

Once again I'm finding dimes everywhere. I had one of my eye shadows break in my makeup bag I was cleaning it out and in the bottom of the bag I found a dime. The biggest one was on Saturday I found a dime on the floor in the kitchen. I was home alone and horrible bored trying to entertain myself and not be sad. I picked up the dime and sat holding it in my hand. I was sitting on the couch in my spot reading a book flipping the dime between my fingers. My nervous, restless energy slowed down. I was better I couldn't sleep though. I hate going to bed alone in the empty house so I watched everything I had stored on the DVR. Finally I called it a night at 3 am. I laid the dime on the couch. 

On Sunday I went to work, not thinking about the dimes. When I got to work there was one sitting in my drawer that has no money. Gentle reminders I guess. When I got home I was waiting on H to return from her Dad's. We were going to attack my arch nemesis - the grocery store. As I was sitting there I was playing with my engagement ring and the dime. I realized the dime almost fits perfectly inside my ring, my perfect circle of love to infinity and beyond. 

I sat the dime down when H came in and we conquered the grocery store. It doesn't give me panic attacks nearly as bad as it used to, if at all.  I figured out the reason isn't time but they have gotten rid of the one thing Scott and I used to make a game out of, self help weighing station kiosks. Seems like something so small wouldn't be such a big deal but it would always make me cry and send me into panic mode. 

We got home unloaded the groceries and I went back to my spot on the couch to pay bills and sew. When I got over there I saw the dime on the ground. I'm not sure how it got there because no one was home to touch it. I'm going with my theory that the other side isn't that far away. I know it may seem strange but its like a reminder that I'm not struggling alone. There are powers I don't understand but I accept them. So I'm thankful for my Dimes. I guess with inflation Pennies from Heaven have changed to dimes. 

Trying for Thankfulness

There is this "thankful" thing going on over on FB. I'm trying to keep up being thankful each day but all I can think about is Scott. I have so much to be thankful in my life but I keep thinking about Scott. My brain never stops with him. I don't think it ever will. I was talking to a friend about dating etc and I have reached the conclusion that I would be great having a friend to hang out with but I don't want anything else. At two and half years after I lost my love to tragedy all I can think about his him. I function, I live, I walk and yet I don't feel.

I try to make it look like I have a place I'm headed but I really don't know anything. I drive home thinking about Scott. I come home and feel him in my heart and home. I sit at the football games and want him by my side. I make decisions about fantasy football and ask for his guidance for his team. I go to bed at night and I only pray he is visiting in my dreams. I socialize with my friends but all I can do is wish we could be doing things together. I love my daughter. I love spending time with her but she is growing up.

I'm worried about me. I'm worried that I really am better off alone and a crazy cat lady. I find myself lost in a room full of people wishing he were here to protect me. I stare at our pictures and just want to find his arms around me again. I don't really see the rest of the world just my own sorrow. I keep trying though. I keep doing things that make people think I'm healing but I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the quicksand and I just wish I could drown too. But I can't I have to keep pretending that I'm okay. I go to work and I struggle to plaster my smile on my face. I sit in the crowd at the football game and know I'm alone. I try to ask for people to join me so I can try to face my life alone but I'm still lost and alone.

I hear people talking about getting their family portraits made and all I think of is our family is gone. I should have pictures made with H and I but it just doesn't feel right. Alone and empty, struggling to keep sight of what I am really thankful about. I see the world of politics and craziness and I just want my world back as it continues to spin out of control. I don't really know where I'm supposed to be but I keep trying as my heart continues to be shattered in a million little shards that stab me every time I try to live forward. I don't know where I belong and I don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be!

Alone

Alone

What does it really mean to be alone? You can be in a room full of people and be alone or you can sit in an empty house and feel surrounded by love and life. Right now I'm sitting in a booth by myself in a restaurant in Austin. I'm alone but I not feel lonely. There used to be times would I never could have done this. 

Granted I'm sitting here with my iPad and iPhone. I have finished my meal and the place isn't busy yet so I can cope. I have to work hard not to have a panic attack when I'm alone in a crowd of people. I've had this problem way before my normal changed. I've always had to work very hard not to be painfully shy but after the change I knew I had to choose my own path in life. 

The other day, someone told me they think I push myself to hard. The person thinks I'm too hard on myself. I happen to know the secret to my problem. If I don't push myself no one else will and I really would end up stuck in my house forever. It was easy with Scott around. He liked to go and do, meet new people and enjoy life. So here I am sitting in a restaurant alone in Austin because I have to keep going for Hannah. 

My life is my choice and I'm coping with the difference in being alone and loneliness. I do battle the loneliness but if I push myself to stay busy and keep going I can conquer. The true test is when will I have had enough of myself? There are just some things in life that can't be done as one. I'm sure I would land on my face if I tried to ride a bicycle built for two and somehow I can't bring myself to rebook the trip to Fiji for one. I can still picture Scott and I on our dream trip together even though we didn't get to go. 

Maybe someday there will be another dream trip with the next phase of my hearts ability to love but for now I have enjoyed taking myself out to dinner for the best Cobb salad outside of the Brown Derby. The hardest part of dining alone is trying to figure out how to go to the restroom when there is no one at the table to watch your stuff. My solution - pray that you can wait until its time to leave. And with that final problem solved, I bid you goodnight as I journey beck to the stadium to pray my dearly loved Panther Band can make it to the finals to qualify for State! Go Band! 

Reflection of Me

"It is a wonderful day in a life when one is finally able 

to stand before the long, deep mirror of one's own reflection 

and view oneself with appreciation, acceptance, and forgiveness. 

On that day one breaks through the falsity of images 

and expectations which have blinded one's spirit. 

One can only learn to see who one is when one learns to view oneself with the most intimate and forgiving compassion.” 

~John O'Donohue

This is my biggest struggle. Most of the time I happy with myself but then there are those days when I don't feel pretty enough or smart enough, that I just don't make the grade for anyone else. I'm in one of those moods  I refer to them as my beached whale mood. I can understand why so many people have eating disorders if we as a society are as hard on ourselves as I am. 

When your whole world changes you have to learn to find the equator. I think my axis of reality is a bit tilted off the axis. I feel like I need to be that guy who jumped from the heavens with his parachute. Would that realign my image of myself?  It all started this week on Monday morning when I was orbited into work overload. My job is crazy and it just seems I don't have enough hours in the day to get anything done. I was human and made errors but for me they were big ones. 

I made them and I tried to move forward but it was enough to rock my calm waters. When I get like that I need a moment to destress. It still hasn't happened. I can't get all the work done and now I see this huge woman in the mirror. I need to hear, "you are beautiful, my heart. You are the woman I adore!" I look in the mirror and I don't see the person who was loved so deeply. 

I'm not sure who I see in the mirror most days. So different then my last day of normal. I'm living forward but the reflection I see has sad eyes, a smile that is just a bit to big to be real and the person you see at the buffet line that makes you avert your eyes. 

I'm not asking for reassurances that my outward appearance is more then that. What I see in the mirror is my inward appearance. The mirror is my window into my heart. I miss my smiling teasing eyes, my flirty self with the heart of gold. I don't see me anymore. I haven't seen me for a long time. I feel like that part of me died in those thirty-six hours and I'm just a shell of my former self. 

I make myself join the world everyday and I try to participate but it's not a cake walk. I try not to walk to the cake. I've been slipping lately. The other day I stopped for my dinner because H was out at band stuff. I found myself adding a piece of chocolate cake to the order. I don't normally do that but on this day I gave in to my reflection self and threw the control out the window. 

So now it's Wednesday and I'm working myself back on track. I don't need to really look like I feel. I need to find my real self in the mirror again. The one who believes in herself. The one who can face the challenges in life and come out stronger. That brave mask works well to most people who see me but I'm not always strong and independent. I really would like to have those strong arms around me loving me. I would like to know I'm interesting and worth spending time being silly and fun. It's up to me to find the strength to know I matter to myself consistently first! I have to fight through the bad days and believe I'm strong, smart, funny and loveable! 

Hand Turkeys

Hand Turkeys

"Each person in your life, each relationship, is completely unique. Each person is irreplaceable. You can even move forward with new people, new relationships but they never replace the old. If you're a widow and get remarried, a bereaved parent and have another baby, etc. there is joy in the new. However, your grief is not erased. Fortunately, the human heart expands to accommodate all of our many loves and relationships. Just remember that no life is replaced or forgotten." - Transcending Loss

I was on a mission to do pool maintenance and ended up doing a chore from the list Scott left for MY honey do list. We made lists for each other. It was one of those compromises that helped us deal with each others quirks. That way we knew if it was bothering the other person. He cleaned his cluttered closet. Why did I never empty the boxes from job changes I'd left in the garage? 

Somehow putting a chlorine stick in a skimmer basket ended in a chore check off! Two hours later I was sorting through a box and suddenly I was in shock. I found one of our craft projects when we first started working together, Hand Turkeys. The shape if my loves hand always and forever. I didn't sit in the driveway and cry. I sorted, threw things out and put the hand turkeys away. 

I'd done it! I had tackled a list from Scott's list for me and even one from his list (I moved the big Christmas tree from where he left it) without sadness. Or so I thought! I got home last night and sat in the driveway. I didn't want to get out and go in. I want to runaway from my life. I love H so I stay but something is missing. 

I've been sad for the last few days but I couldn't figure out why. It's the hand!! I miss holding hands. Not just the touching of the hands but all that implies. The sadness was there but not crippling. Just enough to make me miss my life. It took a friend in a weird place in his life today to make me think about how sad that has to be. Not to take the time to breathe and enjoy the friendships and relationships around you.  I don't think I will ever again be able to push away someone who cares about me. 

The last moments I saw Scott alive he was making me engage in our relationship. He believed in us. I believed in us but not as much as he did. I would give anything to have that again. I don't turn down my friends for fun. I join them because the life I have now may not be what I wanted but its still my life.  I don't always know when I need something but somehow I have learned the people around me always have something to give me that I didn't know I needed. I need hope to believe that it will all work out I need to believe that I'm here for a reason. There are people who are in our lives for reasons we don't understand. There are people who get us when we don't get ourselves. We just have to have blind faith in the plans we don't understand. 

You matter to me! You have held my hand when I didn't know I needed it. You dried my tears and wiped my nose when I was beyond consoling. You make a difference in my life and I want to make a difference in yours. I still have hands to share. I'm here because of you! Love comes in all shapes and sizes. I believe we all have a place for each other. Just reach for the hands of friendship you've been offered - Turkey! 

Just Me

"I really can't picture anyone having. Crush on me. I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep. I can't picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them or even just smiled at them. I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we're lacking. I mean like... Why would they even do that? I'm just me: Nothing extraordinary or special."

I know many people love me. I have proof! I'm still alive. I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for those special people in my life. However, there is this little show on tv called Gray's Anatomy. They talk about having "the person" in your life who you go to for everything. Scott was my person and not just the obvious reasons. It would be nice to have my person in my life who texts me all day or takes the time stop and call me. 

I miss being able to have something silly happen have someone to tell that gets me and isn't to busy for those moments. I miss all those things and more. I know I make a day to day difference in many lives. I have patients who tell me they appreciate what I do for them. I have friends that are there when I need them. Except that one person who chooses to be with me. He was taken from me. 

I can no longer imagine having that type of person in my life. The scary part is the loneliness that comes along with it. The above statement is true for me. I'm here. I'm me but that part of my life is done. I don't get to have the hope that it is possible because I am just now learning how to be me - nothing extraordinary. Just living in the only life I have and it doesn't include that person who wants to take a chance with someone who will always have a special Angel finding moments to remind them of what it means to be loved. 

With This Ring...

With this ring...

Those are the three words we were supposed to share. We jokingly practiced the day I brought his wedding band home from the jewelry store. He just wanted to wear it but I wouldn't let him. I wouldn't let him. We shouldn't have waited but we did. Little did I know that I would be the one who took it out of the box and said the words. I know he was there so I wasn't alone but the symbol of the circle of eternity seemed so empty. You can't measure love to someone else. I know each of the men whom I have loved can and will never be compared. I know it is possible to love again. Now will the time ever be right, that I can't say but I know my heart still has the power of love to share. 

I have made so many steps in living forward. Lots of steps back but I'm happy to say those are so fewer.  I know I've grown an changed. There may always be moments of panic and the need for the Xanax to relieve the attack but you know I how much better a conversation with someone you love is makes it all "more better!"  I'd much rather hear a joke about sexy farm animals then drug myself. 

Now back to that ring that I have worn for most of the last two and a half years. I put it back in its box in the drawer before I left for vacation. It was the right time. It still makes me sad but I was ready to put his ring in protective custody. I also realized what I need in my life is a friend who has the same busy life and priorities to think about scheduling a break once in awhile to live in the moment. To just hang out and be crazy. I have several people I can think of but two of them are eleven hours away. 

I see how much my vacation did for me. I know how important getting away from the world can be. Today a friend told me I needed to just go work at Disney. I have thought about that before. I know, however, that I care more about the magic in the visits. I know the inner workings but I still need a place to be a princess. Where would I go for vacation then? My princess standards are to high for most places. 

So tonight I'm laying here thinking about the different stages of happiness. Where am I now that I wasn't three years ago? The obvious is Scott. Our relationship wasn't perfect. For that matter I still yell at him quite often just not for the same reasons. I'm ready to explore the next stages of this new life. Who knows, maybe that just means I start sleeping in he middle of the bed or maybe I need to just walk up and take a chance that requires getting over the panic things still happen. I do know that circle of gold and silver doesn't change how I feel for Scott but having the courage to put it away changes how I look at myself!!