It's My Day

Well I don't know if I started the day off right but I did start it. I had three hours of sleep. I was awake and couldn't doze off again. I dislike the insomnia but I'm working on it. I headed to my morning MD appointment to get the panic attacks, depression and insomnia addressed. By the way the weight loss is up to 26 lbs, not a diet for anyone to use, but with no appetite it is hard to make myself eat. We have tried with other meds but this time it is something new. I, of course, showered before I went. It is a place of connection for me with Scott. I pray and meditate there each time I'm there. I have a new ritual that is a combination of things from Scott and then my own stuff. Today I prayed for many angels to support me and guide me.

I got it all today. Scott sent me so many Angels to hold me up. I got so many I can't even tell you all of them. After the MD I went to drop off my script at Wal-mart. Hey I can do that without help! While there my dear friend, Lisa called me and invited Hannah and I to lunch. I roused the sleeping child from here beauty rest and picked her up. There is a new place that we tried. I stole the idea from my young birthday neighbor and her choice yesterday! Five Guys Burgers was good. The company was even better. True friends really do support you in your time of need.

I was supposed to return to continue my Bank battle but the time got away from us we were having such a nice visit. Lisa and her antics of life really make me smile. She reminds me of Scott's love of life. I need to hang out with her more. So I missed the bank but then it was time for the dentist. I have used the same dentist for so many years it is tough to count. We have attended church together and his staff is fantastic. Who would expect one of my Angels for the day to be him. Scott had also become one of his patients in the last several years so he knew him too.

Jeff had sent a sympathy card immediately after our loss of Scott, so I thanked him. The tears of course are rolling down my cheeks as he tells me he prays for me daily. He then takes the bib and wipes my tears. Fast forward through the Hannah consult and as we are leaving we get hugs from him and the hygentist. I treasure my Angels of today. He honestly told me to call if I needed anything.

Now I do have more Angel visits today in the way of my parents and my niece. They weren't supposed to make it today because my stepBob had a colonoscopy this morning and they weren't planning on being here. They finished early and were able to make the drive up to take us to dinner. Hannah kept asking me where I wanted to eat. I kept saying I had no clue but I did finally pick my favorite food! Let's say it all together - MEXICAN :D So today I had both of my favorite foods :D

I made it through the day. I kept myself busy and I had my Angels supporting me. We all have it in us to be and Angel to someone for the day. Take that a pass it on. Love someone without conditions. So today I made it through the first birthday of my new life. That means I'm not really 41 today :D I get to start counting over with the wisdom and love from my memories and taking it one day at a time. I missed my birthday kisses at midnight but I feel them in my heart. We had five spectacular birthday celebrations together each year better then the one before. He shared with me and will continue to be here until we meet again.

Happy Birthday to me!

Small Stuff

Yeah right it is hard to not sweat the small stuff when it all adds up. I've been fighting with the stupid customer service phone people at Bank of America about my mortgage for over six weeks. Today I finally just gave up and went into the bank and wow they couldn't even find my stuff in the computer. Oh but don't you know the mortgage people they got on the phone could find my account. I have to go back again to get them to figure it all out.

I don't know what I'd be doing without my counseling because that got me through some thoughts in my head about my life today. I go back to the doctor tomorrow to change some of my meds. I hope it gets me out of some of this funk but I really don't think the loss of my other half will just go away with meds. This morning I crumbled into the floor of the bathroom and sobbed. I don't understand why he is gone and I do know I will never understand why but it doesn't make the pain stop. It comes in waves but I can't understand any of this.

Hannah took me to see Eclipse tonight and I kept thinking of Scott. When Edward proposed I closed my eyes and remembered the love in Scott's face as he asked me to be his wife. He loves me and I won't ever see that look again. He never stopped loving me. He told me everyday. I keep asking for his help and guidance to love me and get me through all of this.

There is a new movie coming out with Julia Roberts called Eat, Pray, Love. A true story of a woman's own journey to find herself. I'm on the journey but I don't like where I'm going with this. I have choices to keep making but some days I just want someone to run over me with a bulldozer. No I'm not throwing myself out in front of one but geez can someone keep the piles to a minimum for me for the rest of my life!

I Know

I know lots of things. I used to know even more but these days I have to keep reminding myself that I am intelligent. I know that I drive the car Scott picked out for me. I know he would only buy his truck after I okayed it. I know I wear the rings he picked out for me. I know I sleep in an empty bed. I know I stand in his closet and cry. I know I miss my best friend, my love and the person I could tell all my good news and bad news without judgement. I know I miss being held, touched and kissed. I know I can stand in my driveway and look up at the shed and hear him giving me grief while we were putting shingles on the darn thing. I know I have managed to get to the grocery store with Hannah. I know Scott wanted the best in life for us. I know we had that and now it's gone.

I know I had the life I wanted, the life we picked together. I know that life is gone. I know I have to live forward but I don't always know what that means. I know there is a higher power, God who isn't mean but forgiving and loving. I know there are things in my life I have to hand over and not worry about. I know I'm not sure what I'm doing these days. I know everyone keeps telling me time will tell but I know I have moments of wishing, anger and pleading to give me my life back. I know I still have my beautiful daughter. I know I have fantastic parents who let me hang out with them so I'm not lonely in our home. I know I have a loving supportive family and friends who will get me to a place in my life that I can find a new kind of happiness.

I know I'm making progress because I know I'm learning how to hide myself from the rest of the world. I know my smile doesn't reach my eyes and I know I will keep trying. I know I kiss Scott goodnight every night and hug my pillows knowing how much he loves me. I know I will love him for the rest of my life on earth and I KNOW WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN, just not today.

Happy 4th

I'm so lost on this fourth but I'm out of bed. I can get to happy memories today without being horribly sad. I pulled up pictures from our trip to South Padre Island last year. Our plans for this holiday were quieter but now it is super quiet. We worked really hard to enjoy our time together. It wasn't a chore but sometimes we had to take baggage along with us. It wasn't always easy to work through the stuff but we did it. I don't like the anger I have at myself for the things we fought over.

I left the house tonight because my mom made us. We went down to one of her neighbors and watched fireworks. Hannah and I laid on a blanket under the giant Texas sky. One of my absolute favorite memories with Scott does involve fireworks. The last night in Disneyworld watching Wishes. I always made a wish but that one won't come true. I need to find a new one someday.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to sleep without meds. Not going so well. I close my eyes and try to sleep but I awake to nightmares. I guess I have questions that can't be answered by me ever. This is true trauma. To know I'm the one who was powerless. He always forgave me when he was alive, the afterlife is not any different. I know in my brain I couldn't stop him but my heart I want to turn back the clock. I know I can't do that either.

So under the night sky at three months I looked for reminders of him. I don't have to look very hard my love is never far from my heart.

Football

So our NFL Sunday ticket automatically renewed today and I called and cancelled it. I couldn't see spending that money each month for something that was for Scott. I watch my Chiefs but I don't have to spend the money. We watched together but I don't see doing that know. I can watch all the old movies I want to now and it sucks. As the current book I'm reading, "Love Lives On" by Louis LaGrand, says to deal with all of the emotions I am feeling in the primary grief but also in what he refers to as secondary grief. Secondary grief come in hundreds of different ways but he groups them into categories.

These categories are financial, social, physical, intellectual and deeply emotional losses. I'm dealing with them all. I think that is what makes living forward so very hard but I really am trying. Each day presents a new challenge that I have to face. If I don't I get lost in my own world. This book also suggests to do exactly what I have done naturally; read books on grief and the afterlife! Who knew I was so smart about this already. I didn't! I'm just trying to learn to cope.

Bemoan not the departed with excessive grief. The dead are devoted and faithful friends; they are ever associated with us. - Confucius

Everyone can master grief be he that has it. - William Shakespeare

The second quote is from my daily meditation on grief book. It also suggests that when someone tells you that you should have gotten over it by now to calmly quote the above and seem like quite the scholar. I actually found myself laughing at the thought of some of the people who have said that to me. I know the problem is for them not enough brain power so what good would that quote do. Yes I'm smiling.

Today I faced many secondary challenges but I had a great comfort from a friend for the last 20+ years. She and I have not lived in the same State since college but she told me she was sorry she didn't get to meet Scott in person. I told her she would have approved because he treated me kindly and always wanted the best for us. She knows all my life secrets. I don't know what to make for the future, not yet but someday. I continue to use this as a place to remove all that I fear and find all that I love in my life. Scott's presence and love continue to help me live forward and our memories will forever travel with me.

My friend assured me I am still who I was but I have a greater presence in life. I know this will help me find myself and be the person I need to be. Scott's heart is part of my own. Our souls knew from the moment we met we already knew each other and someday our souls will meet again. There are many people in life we can be connected to in this way but the willingness to be open to the experience is powerful. Scott was just one of those people. I have many other friends and family who are also part of my soul.

Medicines

My research and reading today have led me in several directions. I realized when reading the side effects of the med prescribed by my MD to assist with my inability to actually sleep for the last 12 weeks is compounding a bunch of my other symptoms. Armed with that knowledge I realized that I don't just have to deal with grief I have to deal with traumatic grief. It doesn't change how I'm feeling but reading the descriptions makes far more sense to how I have to continue to attempt to find coping strategies. That there will never be timelines to any of this.

The most amazing thing that I have to find comfort in the world is that we were able to find him. That I know it in my heart he needed me to find him. Now does that make any of moving forward easier? I can say yes and no to that question. I have had the other kind of grief - expecting, grieving while you slowly watch the person you love fade away. Now to the no answer. The shock of losing in an instant a person has all kinds of other feelings attached to it.

The article I read today on this specific subject addresses how to help with those who are dealing with sudden death of a loved one. I was amazed that I am doing the things I'm supposed to do to help myself. For others to assist it says the hardest time will not be at the beginning but after a few months is when support is most needed. I see that for myself. I got through the beginning on pure shock. Now I have to face life and all that goes along with it. I have saw some family this week and I have to tell you not one of them mentioned Scott to me. That was the hardest thing for me. I know they care but I want to hear about him and how much he loves me. It feels like the world is moving forward and I'm left with my own memories and I don't want to experience the loss of those too.

I see little things that will always remind me of him. Last night Hannah got the golf cart stuck in the mud at my parent's house with my nieces. I could hear Scott laughing and trying to help. He would have helped Hannah. I sat and held the baby of my cousin on my lap while the rest of them went to help Hannah. I quietly spoke to Scott and all of the sudden the baby looked up a bit and puckered her lips in a kiss and jabbered at the air. It was just the two of us sitting on the porch waiting on the rest of them. He isn't ready to leave us for long. He wasn't ready to leave when he did but he didn't have a choice. He will help me get through this nightmare, this living nightmare. Now I just have to figure out how to sleep because like all the meds I've ever taken my body just doesn't know what to do with them.

Kindness

Life goes on. Yes it does! Do I want it to each day? Not really but I don't have a choice. I don't like the days I start out bad but like I've said before I work myself to a point where I make my only goal of getting out of bed.

Tragedy is a place I would never wish on another soul but we will all be there at some point. It doesn't just have to be a horrible car accident. There are so many ways each of us can be touched my this part of life. In theater there are tragedies and comedies. I prefer the comedy. I can make the smiles easier then I used to be but the panic attacks are still here. I had reached a point where I wasn't having them as often actually almost never but that changed last week.

Today I made a choice to change my life. I have had a week to think about it and I'm okay because I got to make the choice. If you ever touch a person in life who has been where I've been don't judge them by how fast or slow they are taking this process. There is no expiration date on grief! It's not like the milk in the fridge, it just can't be dumped because someone tells you that you have to leave it at the door.

I'm trying to empower myself. I do have an inner strength but it waivers at times. That doesn't make me a bad person and well I can tell you I don't have to be sorry that my grief makes you recognize life is short. You can live to be 93 and in the scope of life it is short. I choose to walk myself to a place that I can understand who I am while I'm helping others. My light in my soul has a dimmer switch. The energy will be found but for now I am okay with being on low.

I challenge each of you to find a person in your life, besides me and do something that makes their day better. Don't ask for anything in return because then your soul will be receive a reward! This is my life. I have to live in it but I have free will to make choices that will lead me to a better day.