I Know

I know lots of things. I used to know even more but these days I have to keep reminding myself that I am intelligent. I know that I drive the car Scott picked out for me. I know he would only buy his truck after I okayed it. I know I wear the rings he picked out for me. I know I sleep in an empty bed. I know I stand in his closet and cry. I know I miss my best friend, my love and the person I could tell all my good news and bad news without judgement. I know I miss being held, touched and kissed. I know I can stand in my driveway and look up at the shed and hear him giving me grief while we were putting shingles on the darn thing. I know I have managed to get to the grocery store with Hannah. I know Scott wanted the best in life for us. I know we had that and now it's gone.

I know I had the life I wanted, the life we picked together. I know that life is gone. I know I have to live forward but I don't always know what that means. I know there is a higher power, God who isn't mean but forgiving and loving. I know there are things in my life I have to hand over and not worry about. I know I'm not sure what I'm doing these days. I know everyone keeps telling me time will tell but I know I have moments of wishing, anger and pleading to give me my life back. I know I still have my beautiful daughter. I know I have fantastic parents who let me hang out with them so I'm not lonely in our home. I know I have a loving supportive family and friends who will get me to a place in my life that I can find a new kind of happiness.

I know I'm making progress because I know I'm learning how to hide myself from the rest of the world. I know my smile doesn't reach my eyes and I know I will keep trying. I know I kiss Scott goodnight every night and hug my pillows knowing how much he loves me. I know I will love him for the rest of my life on earth and I KNOW WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN, just not today.