More grief

Yesterday I thought oh I didn't get a phone call from my Aunt Tena for my birthday. This morning I woke up with that feeling of goneness. I knew she was leaving us today. I hate that I know these things before I'm told but if I gave it back I also would loose my feelings from Scott's visits. I got a text from my cousin to call him as soon as I could. I knew what he was going to tell me. He didn't want to have to tell me but he did. I called him back as soon as I could from my breaks in my meetings. We could barely get through the conversation enough to get the basics.

This woman was a huge part of my life. My Grandmother (paternal) died when I was ten. Tena was her sister and I grew up living three houses away from her. Her house was a haven. She was my grandma too! I spent hours and hours there. She would take care of me and we did all kinds of things together. On Sunday's we would load up in the car with the other sister's, the twins and go on a drive all over the southwest Missouri countryside. She was glue for all parts of our family. Not just me but the rest of her nieces and nephews. She was the coordinator of all the family news. She had an amazing life and cheered me into bigger and better places in my life. She always told me how proud she was of me.

She lived a long full life. She has been failing for years but she always remembered me. I always remembered her. She always said I was the closest namesake she would ever get. Now I have another type of grief again. The grief is different but it is still grief for me. If I weren't taking the new meds that cover my panic attacks, insomnia, pain and depression all in one hit I'd be on the floor in a ball. I recognize the need for help. I reach for help all the time but I really am angry at God right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be good. Am I supposed to be an expert on grief because this is the fifth death in my family in just over a year. I understand the process. I don't know how I can help someone else because I have to keep picking myself off the ground.