Sad or Good?

So I don't know if this is a sad state of my loneliness or the fact that I'm learning to work around the pain. I went back to work after my counseling session today and had trouble getting up from my desk to go home. Not that I didn't want to but I just didn't relish the thought of going home. Even though Hannah was here I was having a horrible missing Scott day. I wasn't crying because the new med has lowered that level. I hate that I have to use the med but right now it is as my counselor said "If you break your arm you wear a cast! The med is a cast for your emotions right now. It won't be forever!"

So I made it home and the roofing team was done. I checked the shed and it looked like they hadn't changed it out. How would I know that you ask? I'm very handy. Scott and I roofed the shed all by ourselves. It was quite comical and I do have pictures. The guys also left a battery and charger on the front porch. So is it sad that I was excited to call Jared. Hannah's comment must have struck a cord about my state of loneliness. He came by and walked around checking for nails, made sure that yes they did in fact roof the shed (still looks the same to me :D) He teased me about my shoeless state. He made me smile and laugh and I wasn't thinking about Scott the entire time. It was so nice to talk to someone in a normal conversation without feeling like the pain was so overpowering. So it isn't like I'm ready to date but flirting was fun. I don't even want to know if he is single right now but it was nice to talk and we didn't just talk about the weather and the roof!

So I don't know if I'm in a sad state or this was a good thing to feel. I don't know if the med is just giving me enough of PSYCHO management to feel like myself again. I felt like myself for 45 minutes, talking and laughing. When I came in I felt like I could actually go to the grocery store by myself. I didn't I made Hannah come along but the thought didn't cause a panic attack.

My day started out with an early morning wake up call but it was a nice day. When I went out to the car after the first drive in the bathrobe, not a pretty site, I was ready for work and on the car door was a flower. It was perfectly placed like I was meant to find it. I will take that as a sign. The radio did it's thing again. I will take that. Several other things happened today for me to know Scott is in his Heaven and I am part of his Heaven. He isn't very far away very often and when I talk to him I get answers. He wants me to be happy and he is guiding me each step of the way. I will love him forever. He was my other half but we didn't get very long together. I have to learn how to be happy in my life without his physical presence. I would have wanted no less for him. I don't have a choice and I'm not looking ever for someone to fill his shoes. That isn't possible but I can be social and let my life evolve. I didn't look for Mike. I didn't search for Scott. Life is what happened and I was happy. Mike and I are friends and had more then some people ever get but something was missing. I found that with Scott and now he is physically gone.

I have empty spaces in my heart where my future was supposed to be something different. My grief is for two things: the loss of Scott and the loss for myself. I will find myself in all of this and right now I must have the medicine cast for my broken heart. He wants me to be happy. I'm trying. I've never stopped trying because he wants me to be happy. The more I try the more I feel his love. He is here because he wants to be. He wants me to be happy and I will continue to let things happen. I will be the only one who will know that I can move another step in my living forward. Good or bad adult companionship was wonderful!