Days and into the nights

I'm sitting here watching my favorite show - House Hunters, alone. It is okay to be alone but it is just not as much fun as it used to be. Spending quiet alone time was rejoicing now it is overwhelming. I am home alone but I don't want to be here at all. I hate the weekends but I do have parental responsibilities to make sure my daughter gets to grow up happy and adjusted. Dinner was okay. I cooked tonight for myself. Last night was the first time I didn't just microwave something. Tonight I did make pizza in the oven but then I sat and ate frosting out of the tub. Chocolate still upsets my tummy. I may be losing weight but I don't need to put it all back. I like having baggy clothes.

I have learned to keep my mind busy and occupied. It makes it less painful to sit here in a house of our things and feel him all around but keeping my mind busy stops me from dwelling. I have time to feel but sometimes feelings need to be a bit quieter. I'm not going to stop feeling but turning the intense pain of the quiet down a notch is good. The meds walk me down and there are times when the feelings break through but I'm handling them.

I have a dear friend that is needing support in her life. I told her tonight I understand and providing her an ear to get some of her feelings out helps me too. I'm not selfish enough to think that the world is all about me. I would rather stand back and take care of others but right now I get to stand up and take care of me. Selfishly being there putting my arms out for another does make my days and nights move faster. I've had to get myself away from counting time. I have to just keep going.

I'm making it happen. I'm making my life happen by putting myself out there for others to help me along the path. Today I had help from a friend to achieve a goal I have set. There really are times in life where who you know is more beneficial then what you know. Being nice to others and being helpful for others gets me to a living spot, allowing people I love and trust to help me gives me arms of support. I have a new life that is heading somewhere and when I find the path with the rainbow leading me I will know I am where I'm supposed to be. The rainbow comes in many ways and is very symbolic as well as literal. The rainbow is a demonstration of the power of light and love.

I should go to bed and keep my schedule but those darn nights always turn into a new day with other hurdles. It is hard to close my eyes and try to flow into another day. The next day will be here and then I have to figure out getting out of bed all over again. I don't get to hide from life. If I tried I would have a house full of guests that I wasn't expecting from not just here but from all over the country. I don't know about you but a mad Italian woman from New York is inspiration in getting me out of bed. I love you all for keeping my backside from literally out of the water.