Passion of life

I'm so in a hole today. I haven't left the house. I don't want to leave the house ever. I will go to bed soon and then get up in the morning. I have to I don't get to hide. There isn't a place for me to hide and not a person to take care of me. I have to take care of myself and I don't want to. Somedays I feel like I don't exist anymore. Yes I'm still here physically but my spirit is so deflated. I don't know where I belong or what I'm supposed to do. Hanging out in the dark house on the computer watching TV seems to be a good place again today.

I must say it is lonely to be here. Now I know why I don't stay home on the weekends. I have stuff to do but I didn't do anything. I didn't do laundry. I didn't cook but Hannah did for me and handed me food. I'm so lost today. I'm hanging out on another Sunday. I hate Sundays now. I try to not think about them but they keep showing up. Time is going by but he is so much a part of my heart and soul. I just want my spirit to soar again.

I try to be me for some times of the day but I don't know who I am anymore. Life as I knew it forever changed. Now I have to be someone but after 40 years of becoming the person I was before April 4, 2010 at 7:30pm life is not joyful. We were happy, even when we had to deal with our baggage, we still loved the life we had created. I never had a day that I didn't know I was loved. He knew how much I loved him and the joy we had in all the moments of each day. The good and the bad were still joy. I'm just a bit lonely for the day. I felt his love just as I do everyday but I don't like the emptiness of not having his physical self. Passion just doesn't translate well from the other side.