Happy 4th

I'm so lost on this fourth but I'm out of bed. I can get to happy memories today without being horribly sad. I pulled up pictures from our trip to South Padre Island last year. Our plans for this holiday were quieter but now it is super quiet. We worked really hard to enjoy our time together. It wasn't a chore but sometimes we had to take baggage along with us. It wasn't always easy to work through the stuff but we did it. I don't like the anger I have at myself for the things we fought over.

I left the house tonight because my mom made us. We went down to one of her neighbors and watched fireworks. Hannah and I laid on a blanket under the giant Texas sky. One of my absolute favorite memories with Scott does involve fireworks. The last night in Disneyworld watching Wishes. I always made a wish but that one won't come true. I need to find a new one someday.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to sleep without meds. Not going so well. I close my eyes and try to sleep but I awake to nightmares. I guess I have questions that can't be answered by me ever. This is true trauma. To know I'm the one who was powerless. He always forgave me when he was alive, the afterlife is not any different. I know in my brain I couldn't stop him but my heart I want to turn back the clock. I know I can't do that either.

So under the night sky at three months I looked for reminders of him. I don't have to look very hard my love is never far from my heart.