Traveling along

Can I even begin to describe what it feels like to be antsy, agitated, anxiety and sick to your stomach for days? That's what the past few days have been like. Tonight I get to try a little bit different cocktail and see how I feel. I hate this mess. It has been such a short time in the scope of things and I'm trying not to be hard on myself but I've got to be able to function in a somewhat normal feeling to make it to each day. There is no one here to take care of me. I have to be responsible for myself. I have great support from wonderful family and friends. I would have not made it as far as I have without you all here for me.

I had an offer for dinner tonight and with this crazy anxiety going on there was no way I was leaving this house. I asked for a rain check for next week. I am trying! I just wish it would all come together in some sense of order. I know I'm being hard on myself. I'm not ready to move forward but I have to be able to functionally deal with life without the massive panic attacks. It is horrible to have that feeling of ongoing dread and fear. Scott would be physically kicking my rear if I weren't trying to get myself living forward.

Last night in my reading I found a way to quiet my brain somewhat. I found a meditation passage where the author suggested taping yourself reading it. So I used the voice recorder section on my phone and did just that. I then played it backed and walked myself through in a quiet calming voice to a place of meditation. It is enough to relax my mind and listen. I love my technology. There are so many ways to keep living forward. I will find my way. I have to find my way. My heart is broken but I don't see that stopping my life. I love Scott and I know he is helping me get through this. I have no doubts about his love.

I know Scott is missed by so many others but I can only write for myself and what this physical loss has done to me. I have a journey that I didn't want to travel but here I am. It will not be a yellow brick road paved with gold instead it is a dirt and gravel road filled with potholes (or in Scott speak chuckholes) that makes me hope my tires stay fully inflated. It is slow going and I can't speed it along or I will lose control and be stuck on the side of the road. Thank goodness for great friends who keep pulling me out of the ruts.