Football

So our NFL Sunday ticket automatically renewed today and I called and cancelled it. I couldn't see spending that money each month for something that was for Scott. I watch my Chiefs but I don't have to spend the money. We watched together but I don't see doing that know. I can watch all the old movies I want to now and it sucks. As the current book I'm reading, "Love Lives On" by Louis LaGrand, says to deal with all of the emotions I am feeling in the primary grief but also in what he refers to as secondary grief. Secondary grief come in hundreds of different ways but he groups them into categories.

These categories are financial, social, physical, intellectual and deeply emotional losses. I'm dealing with them all. I think that is what makes living forward so very hard but I really am trying. Each day presents a new challenge that I have to face. If I don't I get lost in my own world. This book also suggests to do exactly what I have done naturally; read books on grief and the afterlife! Who knew I was so smart about this already. I didn't! I'm just trying to learn to cope.

Bemoan not the departed with excessive grief. The dead are devoted and faithful friends; they are ever associated with us. - Confucius

Everyone can master grief be he that has it. - William Shakespeare

The second quote is from my daily meditation on grief book. It also suggests that when someone tells you that you should have gotten over it by now to calmly quote the above and seem like quite the scholar. I actually found myself laughing at the thought of some of the people who have said that to me. I know the problem is for them not enough brain power so what good would that quote do. Yes I'm smiling.

Today I faced many secondary challenges but I had a great comfort from a friend for the last 20+ years. She and I have not lived in the same State since college but she told me she was sorry she didn't get to meet Scott in person. I told her she would have approved because he treated me kindly and always wanted the best for us. She knows all my life secrets. I don't know what to make for the future, not yet but someday. I continue to use this as a place to remove all that I fear and find all that I love in my life. Scott's presence and love continue to help me live forward and our memories will forever travel with me.

My friend assured me I am still who I was but I have a greater presence in life. I know this will help me find myself and be the person I need to be. Scott's heart is part of my own. Our souls knew from the moment we met we already knew each other and someday our souls will meet again. There are many people in life we can be connected to in this way but the willingness to be open to the experience is powerful. Scott was just one of those people. I have many other friends and family who are also part of my soul.