Medicines

My research and reading today have led me in several directions. I realized when reading the side effects of the med prescribed by my MD to assist with my inability to actually sleep for the last 12 weeks is compounding a bunch of my other symptoms. Armed with that knowledge I realized that I don't just have to deal with grief I have to deal with traumatic grief. It doesn't change how I'm feeling but reading the descriptions makes far more sense to how I have to continue to attempt to find coping strategies. That there will never be timelines to any of this.

The most amazing thing that I have to find comfort in the world is that we were able to find him. That I know it in my heart he needed me to find him. Now does that make any of moving forward easier? I can say yes and no to that question. I have had the other kind of grief - expecting, grieving while you slowly watch the person you love fade away. Now to the no answer. The shock of losing in an instant a person has all kinds of other feelings attached to it.

The article I read today on this specific subject addresses how to help with those who are dealing with sudden death of a loved one. I was amazed that I am doing the things I'm supposed to do to help myself. For others to assist it says the hardest time will not be at the beginning but after a few months is when support is most needed. I see that for myself. I got through the beginning on pure shock. Now I have to face life and all that goes along with it. I have saw some family this week and I have to tell you not one of them mentioned Scott to me. That was the hardest thing for me. I know they care but I want to hear about him and how much he loves me. It feels like the world is moving forward and I'm left with my own memories and I don't want to experience the loss of those too.

I see little things that will always remind me of him. Last night Hannah got the golf cart stuck in the mud at my parent's house with my nieces. I could hear Scott laughing and trying to help. He would have helped Hannah. I sat and held the baby of my cousin on my lap while the rest of them went to help Hannah. I quietly spoke to Scott and all of the sudden the baby looked up a bit and puckered her lips in a kiss and jabbered at the air. It was just the two of us sitting on the porch waiting on the rest of them. He isn't ready to leave us for long. He wasn't ready to leave when he did but he didn't have a choice. He will help me get through this nightmare, this living nightmare. Now I just have to figure out how to sleep because like all the meds I've ever taken my body just doesn't know what to do with them.