Kindness

I'm so very worn out. I don't have the strength some days to even breathe. I have had a bad day today. I'm doing what I can do to get out of bed and I have lots of healing to get done before I can do things for others. There is no timeline on my grief and I have had a lot of learning to know how to be myself and work for what I know in my heart is the right path to follow. Scott is the love of my life. There will never be another someone in my life to give me the love we have for each other. There are things we know about each other and our histories that make me positive of the path I must follow for him.

As I was working with one of my patients today, who loves me and finds all kinds of ways to get back into Speech Therapy even after discharge looked at me this afternoon and asked in his speech that I'm can sometimes only understand and said, "Are you ok today? You look like you are having a rough day!" I told him that today was not my day. He said, "That's okay maybe tomorrow or even next week. It's okay to have those moments." He lost his son several years ago. He has told me on several occasions that loosing his son wasn't easy but knowing he had children and a wife that lost was even harder on him to watch them suffer. I have so many people that are here to support me and reach out to me when I can't even figure out that I need help myself.

There is no competition for grief. There is no medal in life for surviving all of this. The reward has to be solely internal and only dictated by yourself. I may have others around me who have grief but I will be the only one who knows how I feel on any given day. I will be the only one who can fight my own grief. I will face it as I can and someday I will be there with new lessons about my path. I have learned through this process great patience. Yesterday when I was dealing with one of the multiple problems it takes to sort through a life based on pieces of paper someone said to me, "I am so amazed by how you have been so nice through all of this, just trying to get it all sorted out. I admire your courage and strength!"

My own response to that is I will get through all of this trying to treat others with respect and kindness. I have been given a light within that continues to grow from the power of love. Someone once told Scott that "I had to be fake because no one could be this nice." Scott was hot about that comment. I do have buttons that can be pushed but I have learned I have the strength to fight for my beliefs and not be bullied but you don't have to be mean to get there. I will do what is right to honor Scott to infinity and beyond. Those are our vows to each other. He kept his promise to me. I will keep my promise to him.