Asking Questions

"People in mourning have to come to grips with death before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years and years. It doesn't end after a year; that's a false fantasy. It usually ends when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole, and not on their hurt, and guilt, and pain." - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross


I can't even begin to tell you how very true this is. I have to continue to figure out how to deal with death. The death of the man who held was so much to me and I to him. I am trying to get to a point where it doesn't involve my entire life. I am trying to get to where it is not the first thing I think of when I wake up or the last thing before I go to sleep. I don't know what the timeline is for this. I don't have the answer. When you live with the someone and they are in every breath you take and every moment big or small it is really not something that comes easily.

I am living but I'm not really living. It is still more of going through the motions of being in life on Earth. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to not cry each day. Maybe someday, just as it happened that I don't cry each hour. I make myself do things just to get through each day. I have coping strategies that make a difference for me. I continue to try. I'm not giving up. Someday I will find out where I'm supposed to be. I used to go into the bookstore and there was this book that you would ask it a question and then open it to a page to see what it said, like a magic 8 ball. I would go in and pick it up and ask if Scott and I would be together forever. It always said yes - everytime I opened the book! I'm not even going to ask why! It doesn't matter I wouldn't change anything in my life these days.