Weight on my Shoulders

I woke up this morning at 4 am. I haven't been to sleep since. It is almost 11pm. I had my mind whirling and twirling all day but mostly in the three hours before I got up to go to work. I have this guided imagery recorded on my phone in a soft, quiet voice that I played many times to get to a dozing space in those few hours. I guess I could have gone to work but Oh how I wasn't ready to do that.

I had hours of thoughts swimming around in my head. I think some of the thoughts started yesterday with several things that happened. I am learning to cope. I am learning to make it to a place that is calmer for me. I know my life is still broken right now. I know I'm still broken and I feel for the most part detached from the world around me. I can carry on a well spoken conversation but I think that is years of training more then actually being engaged sometimes.

I have decided I'm a relatively social person but I am shy too. Not withdrawn painful can't speak to another human shy but the initial anxiety of getting to know another person. I love small groups and one:one conversation. I'm not so good at large groups of people I don't know without someone there to find in a room full of people. With Scott I had it all. We could be in different places in the house and still know exactly where the other person was and know what they were being done. Just that comfortable loving relationsip. In a room full of people he was there to hold my hand but I could look at him across the room and be in an instant just the two of us. I miss that connection and companionship.

I go to the grocery store with Hannah every so often but seeing people is hard. I look at others and knew EVERY time we went to the store with Scott he would find someone to talk to and introduce me to. He was so very nice to everyone we came into contact with. Now when I walk through the store I feel invisible. We used to laugh and tease and joke our way through the store. It was a fun time. Who would ever think the store would be a place to go on part of a date. I miss that last night we were together at the grocery store.

I think the weight on my shoulders is the fear of actually getting to a place where I could ever enjoy being in another's company. I fear that if I even let myself go there with my thoughts that I would lose in the end. See I'm so hard on myself. I need to stop myself but I know that if I don't get the words out right now they can escalate into more panic. I also fear the other side of the coin that I'm going to be in this state forever. That I will be 80 and continue to be stuck in this half-life. So with all of this I'm off to the quiet space of our bed to try to sleep longer tonight.